Drift
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Family life with a squiggle can be tough, but a trip to Hawaii with their friends gives Edward, ah, and Bella an adventure of a lifetime. *Third in the trilogy of The Cube and Tilt* Story by SDFreeze AH
1. Chapter 1

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 1

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 1

I didn't come by the club much anymore, since I had three children at home who needed my help; really they just needed me there in case child protective services showed up at the door. Trooper did the actual mother stuff, I just played with them.

I was watching a show about cheating spouses and wondering why they didn't contact Edward, ah, to be on the panel when something made me gasp. Turns out people who are cheated on repeatedly end up being cheaters.

Why can't it work like that for other things? Everyone wants Emmett to get smart, so why isn't he a genius? Or Eric's parents, who want Eric to be straight, why aren't they gay?

Oh yeah, the cheating show, what did I miss.

They talked about my guy's self esteem, which I have to admit he can steam up any room with his self. Then they spoke about defeat, his hands and de-feet are ahmazzing with to Z's. He still had his perfect toes. But the part that got my attention was the talk about stressors, turns out me, Trooper, Budge, and Dreamer had the potential to stress Edward, ah.

Sure, Trooper could be a bit annoying with his perfection, adorable smile, calm temperament, and straight A's. And Budge's constant science projects growing in the fridge, like the cottage cheese sock experiment, could be stressful if you ate some of the cottage cheese before seeing the sock like Edward, ah, did. But Dreamer, come on, she exuded non stress. She floated around in the background like a cloud waiting to become a thunderstorm if someone stressed her daddy.

That left me, oh my God; he was going to cheat on me because of me. I grabbed the phone and called Rose.

"Can ug…I mean, pretty Emma babysit for a few hours?" I asked in a panic.

"Trooper's twelve and a half, can't he stay with them?" she asked.

"He's still a child, Rose. Ug…Pretty Emma is a teenager. Send her over," I demanded.

She was actually only one year and one month older than Trooper, but according to state law it was a critical one year and one month. Trooper hated the fact pretty Emma was a year older. He so wanted to be able to protect his territory and knew it was a lost cause when she would enter high school without him.

They had talked about letting her skip a grade, since she had all of her father's intellect, leaving him with just the ability to tie his shoes and tell time….on a digital clock. But Rose wanted her with kids her own age and supplemented at home. I wasn't sure what that meant and wondered why she didn't give Emmett some of that supplement.

"Are you going to be out late, Emma has school tomorrow," Rose said and I wondered if she thought I never sent my own children to school. I knew there was school tomorrow, I was fully aware today was either Wednesday or Thursday.

"I'm going to save my marriage, if it takes longer than an hour she can sleep on my couch," I said and really hoped I would only be gone for a matter of minutes.

"Are you guys having trouble?" Rose asked with concern and just a hint of 'I knew it!'

"I stress him out," I said and tried not to cry.

"All men get stressed," she said, "Give him some extra attention and he'll be fine."

I loved Rose; she always said the right things to calm me down.

"And if he's cheating, stay away from Jake and get all his money," she added.

I hated Rose; she always said the wrong things to rile me up.

I ran down the stairs to find the kids sitting in front of a movie Trooper put on and each holding a small bowl of popcorn he made for them.

Budge wasn't eating his; he was putting it in his mouth and then seeing how high in the air he could shoot it. It looked like so much more fun than tossing and catching, my son was brilliant. Dreamer was picking up the same piece every time and bringing it to her mouth only to get lost in the movie and let it drop again.

"Ug…Pretty Emma is coming over to babysit," I said and Trooper quickly ran his hand through his daddy like hair.

Budge gave his brother a huge grin and asked, "Can I spy on them when they're kissing?"

"Only if he can spy on you and Jasmine on the table," I told him and he gave me an odd expression.

"Jasmine is such a prissy pants," he said and I didn't have to heart to tell him he was going to be wild for Miss Prissy Pants in about two more years.

The doorbell rang and Trooper jumped up so fast he forgot about the bowl of popcorn on his lap. He froze, not sure which disaster needed his attention first, so Budge solved his problem. "Cool," he exclaimed and got on his knees to look at the mess on the carper. "Let's leave it here and see how long it takes for mold to grow. I hypothesize three weeks."

"Sami will eat it first," I told him. Well, she would if she had teeth. She was actually a pretty old bitch.

Trooper let ug…pretty Emma in and I ran upstairs to get dressed. I was going to show up looking smokin, without actually smoking. I grabbed some dark jeans, a tight shirt, a push up bra, which was kind of necessary because the damn big bang caused gravity, and then put on makeup I hadn't worn since Budge switched my foundation for worm paste. This time I checked it really closely.

I gave my hair the messy, sex bed look by putting in some mousse and rolling around on the bed. I was ready to save my marriage.

I walked downstairs and Dreamer giggled and said, "Mommy, you look…."

"What do you think guys?" I asked and pretty Emma covered her mouth, so I knew I had it right.

I grabbed my keys and headed out the door just as Dreamer said, "…really pretty."

I walked into the Driftwood to find Edward, ah, had made some changes over the years. The décor was no longer dark, but soft creams and sea blue. It really looked nice. The microphone was no longer attached to the stage, but small headsets were given to the singers. I stood in the back as Edward, ah, took the stage.

The screams were just as loud, but the girls were so much younger now. I wondered if their babysitters knew where they were. I leaned against a squiggly table and listened to my guy sing a song about banging on walls. Ah, it was a song for me, until I heard the song talk about banging on other walls to find the right wall to bang on. He is so dead.

I waited for him to finish and then I walked to the stage. He looked over and saw me and a huge smile came across his face. Yeah, that's right, smile while you have teeth, buddy. I walked toward him with lasers shooting from my eyes. Man, I would love to have laser eye surgery; it would solve all my problems.

He adjusted his head mic and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen." Like there would actually be ladies in there. He should have said, "Girl Scouts and Perverts."

"I would like you to meet the love of my life, my reason for living, the only woman to take my breath away, my wife, Bella."

I cancelled my eye appointment and flew into his arms. He was my lemniscates and I should have known the show was talking about squares. I would have figured it out sooner, if Emmett wasn't right next door.

I kissed him as the children cheered and I wanted to strip him down and love him up, but he was still babysitting so I had to wait for the club to close. I followed him around the entire night, just like Hoser used to, before he died and I threw him in the trash….really this time.

My attention was suddenly drawn to a certain waitress who seemed to be everywhere I was. I wondered if she thought of me as a mentor, a fellow squiggle who needed assurance her way of life was just fine, until I finally realized it wasn't me she was following around, damn that Emmett.

Edward, ah, walked to the back stockroom for some bottles and the pimple on his ass, named Jane, followed him. I ran to get in front of her and stuck out my arms to block her path. "What cha doing sweetheart?" I asked and planned to reschedule the eye appointment.

"I'm helping, Edward get bottles to stock the bar," she said and I heard, "I'm going to help Edward do me with his bottle on the bar like rodeo stock."

"He doesn't need help, he has really long fingers." Damn, shouldn't have told her that. "I mean he can carry several bottles at once."

"Jane," Edward, gah, yelled out and she ducked under my arm and entered the stockroom. I followed behind her and saw Edward, gah, hand her a few bottles to carry. She held them tightly to her chest, which didn't need a push up bra, and giggled when he handed her the last one.

When she left the room I stared at Edward, gah, like he had grown a new head, and it wasn't where an extra head would come in handy either. He walked over and shut the door so we were now in complete darkness. "Bella, I need you," he said with his cookie voice and I put my hand out for him to hand me a bottle, although it would be harder for me because Jane got to have some light…and the wire in my bra was a possible hazard.

He didn't hand me a bottle, he handed me something very different and I was so grateful he didn't mix them up with Jane. I felt his mouth come to my throat and he began sucking gently on my skin. I felt like old Bella in the darkness, I mean younger, like I used to be, I felt like the old Bella who was young.

Edward, ah, felt like his incredible self, because men only get better with age, shit, I'm going to fire Jane. He pulled me in the darkness to where a discarded booth seat was stored and sat on it, while I moved to my knees.

"Bella, you'll hurt your knees on the hard cement," he said and I laughed, because I wasn't planning on putting my knees on his hard cement, I was keeping them on the floor….oh.

I ran my hand up his chest and face and into his hair. I felt the mic on his head and pulled it off, accidentally turning it on, and dropping it by my knees. I pushed him back and he moaned in anticipation.

"I'm going to do you sooo good," I purred, no really, I added, "Meow," to the end of my sentence.

His hands reached over his head and felt the cinderblock wall in the darkness as I went to town…downtown actually. It had been a long time since I had gone shopping, so his wall pounding was extra vocal and extra saucy as he articulated his love of feline animals and their licking abilities.

We reiterated our love for each other and he thanked me over and over again for coming to the club so he could cum in the club. We left the room hand in hand with huge smiles on our faces, only to walk into a totally silent club. Everyone was staring at us and Edward, ah, looked down to see the head mic I was holding in my hand. "Oh God," he said and it echoed throughout the club.

We just had sex in public, not actually in front of gawking eyes, but in front of burning ears. My guy screamed and beat a concrete wall to the beat of the latest pop song, I wished it would have been something vintage from the Sex Pistols.

Edward, ah, dropped his head in shame and took the mic and said, "I'm sorry, but I love my wife completely."

The place roared with applause and I stuck my tongue out at Jane, and yeah, I hoped there were still traces of my guy on there. I had to work hard on my body, which had expelled three children, so I earned the right to be a bit petty.


	2. Chapter 2

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 2

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 2

I was making the kids lunches for school, a chore I took over from Trooper when he began sending regular sandwiches in Budge's lunch. I think he was trying to kill his brother and I worried about a possible dark side to Troopers sweetness.

I spread the peanut butter, added the Captain Crunch cereal, spread the jelly on the other side and cut it with a dinosaur cookie cutter before putting it in a baggie and into Budge's lunch box. I had to cut Dreamers sandwich into tiny crust-less pieces because a full size sandwich would never make it into her mouth with all the commotion of a lunch room.

Trooper began eating school lunches after I put a note in his bologna sandwich telling him how much I loved him. He said the kids teased him, so now I have to put notes in his eggs at breakfast. I finished just as the bus pulled up and the kids all grabbed their stuff and ran.

I smiled when I saw Trooper stop and take Dreamer's hand when she saw Sami out for his morning dump and headed in that direction.

I watched them safely board the bus just as Rose walked in my back door. I kept it open for her, but Emmett was instructed to knock at all times, since he knew personal things about me, like I didn't wax.

She poured a cup of coffee and sat down with a sigh. "What's wrong," I asked her.

"Oh, I was helping Patrick with his homework last night. All he cares about is sports and I worry about his development," she said and I wondered why she never worried about Emmett's development.

The kid was only eight, what development was he supposed to have? I actually liked Patrick, aside from his looking just like his mutant daddy. He laughed constantly and got stumped about things just as easily as I did.

"Make everything relate to sports," I suggested and she smiled and nodded. I wasn't totally useless as a friend. "Pour me a cup of coffee while I gather the wash," I said and brought the basket of clothes in the kitchen to sort.

I picked up a pair of jeans belonging to my King and checked his pockets, since he was so prone to leaving receipts and gum in them. I pulled out a folded piece of paper and tucked the jeans under my arm so I could unfold it with both hands.

The writing was big and round with little hearts over the i's. It read:

_Edward,_

_You are such a sexy man and when you sing I want to make love to you under the stars on a hot summer night. I hear what you need in your songs and I am willing to make your dreams come true. I'll keep it quiet, just me and you._

_T._

I stood frozen to my spot and Rose finally reached out and took the note from my hand. She laughed loudly and I felt tears form in my eyes. Why would she laugh about my husband cheating on me? I wouldn't laugh at her….I would laugh at the woman willing to lie under Shrek, but I wouldn't laugh at Rosalie.

"I bet he has tons of these," Rose said and I burst into tears. She jumped up and put her arms around me, most likely ready to tell me Edward, gah, had a totally other family, too.

"Belly, stop, Edward would never get his head turned by stupid notes like this. He's sexy when he sings and girls must come on to him all the time. He loves you and he always will," she said and gave me a hug.

"Girls…come on…to him… all…the time?" I asked between sobs.

"I'm sure they do, doesn't he ever tell you about it?" she asked, as if I would tell her about it.

"No," I blubbered.

Just then Edward, gah, came walking down the stairs with his hair a mess and his eyes only half open, scratching his dangler. I wondered what T would think of her crush if she saw him like this?

"Hi Rose," he mumbled and got a cup to pour some coffee.

"Did you see the stars last night, Edward, gah?"I asked.

"Yeah, the night was clear and it was quite warm," he said so I grabbed Dreamer's cereal bowl full of soggy Captain Crunch and threw it right in his face.

"I want all your money," I screamed at him. His eyes were stunned and he held his arms out like it would somehow keep the breakfast slop from sticking to him. "How could you do this to me?" I cried.

Rose jumped up to get Edward, gah, a towel and began helping him dry off. I knew she wanted him too, and the T probably stood for, Take Me Away From Emmett.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Edward, gah, asked in anger, like he had hours to hear my list, but I wanted to talk about the note. I held it out for him to take and he glanced at the writing. "Oh that," he mumbled.

I see, the T stood for 'that'. His little pet name for his whore was, 'that.' I bet she gave him plenty of, 'that,' and most likely some, 'this,' too.

"Would you like me to leave?" Rose asked quietly and I glared at her, because I couldn't bury a body by myself, we would most likely need Emmett, too. Oh, he's a cop, okay forget about Emmett. God, I could only imagine a world where you could forget about Emmett, I would love that world.

Edward, gah, spoke to bring me out of my post Emmett world appreciation. "I get notes like that almost every night. It keeps the young crowd coming in and buying drinks."

"You prostitute yourself just to sell drinks?" I asked and wasn't sure if I should be angry or grateful for the lengths he was willing to go to in order for us to keep our squiggle club and house.

"I sing to sell drinks," he clarified. "God, Bella the girls are not much older than Trooper, do you think I would really mess around with them?"

"So age keeps you loyal?" I asked and looked around for another cereal bowl.

He smiled and reached out for his big tee I was wearing to distort gravity and make it look totally normal for tits to be level with my ribs. "Bella, why would I want a little girl when I already have the hottest woman on the planet?"

"Me?" I asked, just in case he was talking to Rose.

"Yeah, you," he smiled.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and wanted to wrap my legs around him too, but I was out of clean panties and wearing a pair of Budge's triceratops jockeys. He kissed my neck and patted my back to say, buck up, so I grabbed his ass to say, come buck me.

Rose yelled goodbye and quickly left the house.

"I can't believe you would think I could cheat on you, I thought we were past all the worry about fidelity?" he asked.

"I watched a show that talked about cheating spouses and then I went to the Driftwood and saw all the young girls there. I feel old Edward, ah, and I'm afraid you'll leave me for someone younger."

"Old?" he laughed, "You're not quiet thirty six, that isn't old."

"Not in man years, but it is almost decrepit in woman years," I said sadly into his chest.

He laughed loudly and kissed me several times before moving out of my arms to get some breakfast. I watched him move with his long legs and arms and then sat in a chair across from him to watch him eat. His movements were almost poetic and the way he opened his mouth for each bite captivated me.

He finally stopped eating and looked at me with a furrowed brow as if suddenly thinking about a great idea. "Hey, he said, "Why don't we all go on a trip this winter, maybe Hawaii?"

"Like over Christmas break?" I asked.

"No, not with the kids, just adults, we could invite Jasper and Alice, and Rose and Emmett."

Oh God, he just ruined paradise. "Maybe just Jasper and Alice and Rose," I offered but he wasn't listening and only thinking about getting Lei'd in Hawaii.

"Can you close the clubs?" I asked since Jasper usually took over when Edward, ah, took some time off and Edward, ah, took over when Jasper had to play southern with his northern screwing family.

"I'll train Jane to handle the books and close each night, I trust her," he said and I tried to keep the smile firmly in place as I cussed him and his mother in my head. He added something else to freak me out. "Did you know she's the daughter of Susan, you know, the woman you used to work with?"

WTF…meaning Wasn't Thinking Fast enough. How in the world did Sues and Ned Beatty get a daughter as gorgeous as Jane, and then how in the world did she end up working for my husband? I didn't know Sues had a daughter, I didn't even know Sues knew how to have a baby without the help of Edward, gah, impregnating her when she glanced out of her cube.

"Is she very much like her mother?" I asked with my jaw barely moving.

Edward, gah, shrugged and said, "I don't really know her mother that well."

Good, baby Jane was not Edward's, gah, and Dreamer would remain his little princess. I wouldn't hurt Jane, but Dreamer would most likely scream until Jane's ear drums burst at the thought of sharing her daddy.

"I think a trip is a great idea," I said and decided to search the mall for a push up bikini top.

It would be so much fun to travel with Rose and Alice, allowing Emmett to carry our bags. We could sip exotic drinks by the ocean and get massages as our guys learned to surf, there was no way Emmett could float and a burial at sea would make a nice end to our trip.

I actually got excited and grabbed the phone to call Alice. She answered with her twang, which was as fake as her husband's. "Good Marnin," she said.

"Buenos Dias," I replied, if she wanted to play southern I would head further south.

"Bella?" she asked.

"Do you and Jasper want to go with me, Edward, and Rose to Hawaii in January?" I asked quickly.

"Out of the cold are you kid….wait, Emmett isn't coming?" she asked, using her southern manners and making sure everyone got invited.

"You're from Boston," I yelled at her.

"Will Jasper and Edward close the clubs?" she asked as if it would keep Jasmine from purchasing a new outfit.

"Edward, gah, is training a groupie, maybe Jasper can, too," I said and she quickly asked to speak to Edward, ah. I handed him the phone and he began explaining about his assistant manager taking over for a week. I didn't know he had an assistant manager, I didn't even know he had a manager. I really need to show up at the club more often.

I cleaned the house and made dinner so we could eat as a family before Edward, ah, left for work. His favorite time of day was when the kids got home from school. Dreamer would run head long for the house, never getting sidetracked once, if Edward, ah, was standing on the front porch. He would catch her in his arms and twirl her in the air as she squealed with delight.

"How was your day?" he asked as he did almost every day.

"We got to pla….daddy that tooth isn't straight," she said and poked him in the mouth.

"It wants to be noticed by you, because it loves you so much," he replied and smiled widely. I loved his slightly crooked tooth; it was fun to run my tongue over. His less than perfect teeth only made him that much more perfect.

"Hi toothy," Dreamer said and leaned over to kiss her father's mouth.

"It feels so special," he said and sat her back on her feet.

"Dad, I made the scholastic bowl," Trooper said with a grin and Edward knew what his motivation was.

"Isn't Emma the captain?" he asked and I put the pieces together without Edward, ah, having to explain them. "Maybe you two can study together," Edward, ah, added.

The expression on Trooper's face was pure joy; he would be able to discuss current events, dangling participles, and linear algebra with the most gorgeous brain he knew. It was his dreams come true, but I was going to make sure Edward, ah, talked to him about the birds and the bees before study hour, or at least danglers and vaginas.

Budge came walking up the driveway dragging his fourth back pack, and we weren't even done with the first quarter of school. He had on mismatched shoes and Edward, ah, reached out and pulled him to a halt by the shoulder.

"Son, where's your matching shoe?" he asked.

"I traded it," Budge said with a smile, proudly displaying his chipped front tooth from his decision to hang on the bunk bed by his t-shirt to see if he could fly.

"Traded it for what?" he asked.

"For this shoe," Budge said as if his father had gone daft. He held up his foot to proudly display his new Nike shoe.

Edward, ah, pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath to steady himself. "Budge, why did you only trade one shoe?"

"Because Johan can kick the ball really far, so I wanted his kicking shoe. I didn't like the other one," he added and it made total sense to me.

Edward, ah, bent down to speak to Budge face to face just as Trooper walked into the driveway and handed his father Budge's other shoe. Edward, ah, smiled and took hold of Budge's foot and removed the new Nike and handed it to Trooper to return to the rightful owner.

Poor Budge, he would never be able to kick far now.


	3. Chapter 3

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 3

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 3

Rose was so excited for our trip to Hawaii, she had actually been there before and said the resort Edward, ah, choose on Maui was the best on the island. It also had a private beach, so a push up bikini top wasn't so necessary for me, and Emmett's massive muscles wouldn't attract so much attention, since whales were spotted off the cost regularly.

In true Rose fashion she wanted us to be the hottest chicks on the beach; surely that damn Rockette had to be dead by now, so she put us both on a stringent exercise routine. Every morning we power walked behind the bus as if trying to catch up. Budge constantly smashed his nose down the window to make me laugh as we took off behind them.

We would come back to her house and work on our abs and asses, all so we could pig out on great food while in Hawaii. I was all for eating normally and giving up the exercising, but she wouldn't hear of it.

We were huffing and pumping our arms one morning when she said, "Did you know Trooper kissed Emma?"

I came to a quick halt and said, "Are you sure pretty Emma didn't kiss Trooper? I mean, she is advanced."

"No, he kissed her, and I'm so afraid to tell you why," she said sheepishly and my heart began to pound in fear as I thought of every scenario that would give Rose concern. I thought of Eric and wondered if Trooper was gay and needed to know for sure. I kissed Eric and he knew for sure he was gay; maybe Trooper needed the same validation?

I looked back at Rose and she reached over to take my hands, telling me this was really, really bad. No, Trooper wasn't gay; it was something much, much worse.

"Belly, stay calm," she said and I nodded as my body turned numb. "Trooper has a crush on Natalie Newton."

He'll go to prison if he crushes Nastyalie Newton, unless we move him out of the country. Brazil, yeah, we'll take him to Brazil and change his name to Thiago. We could be happy in Brazil, I like the food and all the models are pretty, wait, no way in hell I'm going to Brazil.

Rose gave me a harsh shake and said, "He wanted to practice kissing, so Natalie wouldn't laugh at him."

My eyes filled with tears and I made plans to get Trooper's vaccinations up to date and have him tested for rare whore diseases. My precious baby, who I was sure would marry a beautiful girl who had to tie down her wings so nobody would know the angel had fallen to earth, was being lured by the jezebel Jess created.

I couldn't power walk another step. I turned and headed home as my world crumbled around me. I needed chocolate, in bulk. I walked through the door and heard Edward, ah, on the phone in his office. I stood by his door eating a handful of chocolate chips, as tears fell down my cheeks.

Edward, ah, quickly ended his phone call and jumped up from his chair, "What's wrong?" he asked and it looked like he was holding his breath.

"Trooper needs to practice, but the shots won't save him from Brazil," I cried.

"What?" he asked so I spoke louder.

"Emma didn't prove he was gay, so jezebel crushed him."

He pulled me into his arm and I slobbered chocolate drool all over his shirt. "It will be fine," he said and I really, really wanted to believe him. I couldn't let her have my baby, because my guys were a package deal and if Nastyalie took Trooper, Jess would want Edward, ah.

My sadness suddenly changed to anger. Jessica, scabs, Stanley, knocked up, Newton was not getting a second run at my guy. She spread her legs for Edward, ah, for the last time when she spread them for Jake, barf.

I would save my son's soul, and his dangler from diseases, by putting my foot down and refuse to let him crush on fungus junior. I looked at my own angel and said, "Trooper has a crush on Nastyalie Newton, and I'm not allowing it."

"Are you sure?" Edward, duh, asked.

"He kissed pretty Emma to learn how to kiss so Nastyalie wouldn't laugh at his abilities," I explained and then looked at Edward, duh, again. "Who did you kiss so Jess wouldn't laugh at you?"

My guy was a quick learner and he wasn't about to bring up his other ex or Marmalade, the soul sister from the pond, so he changed the subject. "Do you want me to talk to Trooper?" he asked.

Yeah, let the guy who fell for big mama talk to the kid falling for baby whore. "I'll do it," I told him and headed back into the kitchen for more chocolate chips.

I spent the entire day working on my talk. I really didn't want to throw Edward, duh, under the bus and use his story as the sad, sad, tale. I was going to go with pointing out Nastyalie's less than stellar qualities. Trooper was too bright to settle for the girl who had to do her teacher's for passing grades. He was on the scholastic team and that made him….a nerd. Oh God, he wanted her to gain a rep and she would most certainly give him a rep.

I headed back into Edward's, ah, office and sat on the edge of his desk, "Honey," I said as sweetly as possible. "Were you a nerd?"

"What?" he chuckled and I was going to have to say it again.

"In school, were you a nerd? It isn't like I care, I mean, I didn't even know you then so I don't care what you were like, but maybe Trooper is a nerd like his father."

"I wasn't a nerd," he said and I wondered if nerdy kids knew they were nerds. Maybe Edward, dork, was considered the nerdiest kid in his private school and didn't know it. "I played in a band and…"

"Oh no," I gasped. Edward, dork, was in the band, most likely playing the tuba as he marched in parades. I was going to have to let Trooper kiss Nastyalie to rid him of the epic doofusness his father cursed him with.

Edward, dork, was riding my same wavelength and spoke up to spare me the crash. "I wasn't in _the_ band, I was in _a_ band, a garage band, I was lead singer and the girls loved us."

Yeah, I could totally see that. Okay, Edward, ah, was going to have to teach Trooper how to sing… and fast. He already worked with the kids on guitar lessons, but I needed my nerdy son to become cool overnight.

I had my plan all worked out and I only needed Trooper to come home and agree. I was the one waiting on the porch when the bus dropped them off this time. Dreamer ran toward me and then quickly stopped and yelled, "Where's daddy?"

"I threw him away," I said to tease her but she spun around and headed back toward the road to check the trash cans.

Trooper quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her to the house. Budge walked up the driveway without shoes and I sighed, but he only smiled and said, "I traded them for a frog."

Cool, a frog, looks like Sami isn't the only pet again. I followed the kids into the house and when Dreamer ran for Edward's office I pulled Trooper into the pantry. I offered him the bag of chocolate chips and he shook his head to refuse the power food.

"Honey, you know I love you, right?" I asked.

He smacked his forehead and groaned. "Emma told, didn't she?"

"I only want to save you, Trooper. You can be a lead singer in a band, you don't have to play around with diseases to be cool," I pleaded.

"To be cool?" he asked.

"And being cool is not that cool," I explained. "It is okay to be your own best friend. If the other guys are gaining experience it isn't worth it to gain it all from the same place. Variety is the spice of life," I said and then held up a finger to have him wait while I checked to see if I had the right spices to make chili for dinner tonight.

"Mom," he interrupted me. "I'm not interested in Natalie, I'm not that stupid."

"Are you sure, because your father was," I said.

"I wanted to kiss Emma, so I made up the story to get her to kiss me," he admitted and let his eyes fall to his feet in shame, but damn, I was proud.

"So you don't need a shot?" I asked and he shook his head in embarrassment.

I could hardly wait to tell Rose my baby had no interest in Nastyalie, but wanted Emma, and quite frankly how brilliant could Emma really be to fall for such a slick move, maybe she was more like her daddy than everyone thought.

Edward, ah, opened the pantry and then jumped when he found us huddled inside. Trooper made a quick get-a-way and I pulled my guy into the pantry and shut the door. "Want some chocolate chips?" I asked.

"Sure," he said and held out his hand.

I dropped a couple down my shirt and said, "Oops, you'll have to go after them."

He smiled and raised my shirt up to begin licking the melting chocolate from my cleavage.

I realize I am the one that designed the house. I had fought with the architects about all the wasted space and off center walls. I insisted on the open floor plan so I could see my family as I cooked, well, heated things. So it was my fault the pantry didn't have a lock.

Dreamer opened the door to see her daddy, tongue first, in my bra. She looked up at us with confusion and Edward, ah, quickly said, "You'll have to see a doctor, I don't feel anything."

I knew he was trying to trick Dreamer since every time she had an owie he would kiss it and say he didn't feel anything wrong. And it might have worked, if he didn't have chocolate all over his face.

"Daddy was kissing mommy's…. " she laughed and then saw a box of fruit rollups. Edward, gah, made a mad dash from the pantry just as Dreamer said, "Boobies."

I grabbed the box of fruit rollups and handed her two, to keep her mouth busy until she forgot about the deep C diving her daddy was doing in my bra. Trooper would be mad that I ruined her dinner, but I was the real mom, damn it.

I worked on dinner as Edward, ah, worked on guitar lessons with Trooper. The family noises in the house made me smile. I was so happy, and Edward, ah, knew I loved him, Trooper wanted a beautiful brilliant girl, not a lifelong virus, Budge had a new pet, but needed new shoes, and Dreamer was trying to chew a massive amount of sticky fruit. I couldn't imagine life getting any better.

But the phone rang to interrupt our family hour. I picked it up and saw the call was coming from the club.

"Hi this is Jane. May I speak with Edward," she said with a soft voice.

He picked up the other receiver in his office and I stayed on the line. "What's the problem, Jane?" he asked.

"The place has been robbed, the police are here and most of the liquor bottles have been broken," she said and I could tell her voice was shaking. I felt sick; the Driftwood was such a beautiful club, who would want to hurt it?

Edward, ah, came out of his office with such sad eyes. I walked over and gave him a big hug. I had such fond memories of the stockroom and now the bottles were all smashed. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yes, it's just stuff," he said and I hugged him tighter for being so wonderful and so brave. "I have insurance on the club."

I watched him walk out the door to go see his dream which had been violated and I felt like something changed, something intangible that I couldn't see or point to, but I could feel a shift of some sort that was going to try to destroy my relationship with Edward, ah.

But fate didn't realize I was a squiggle and I wouldn't let anything come between me and my eternal lemniscates.


	4. Chapter 4

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 4

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 4

Fate made a huge delivery in less than a week. Edward, ah, had to close the club until the next liquor order came in, costing us a very lucrative weekend. Jasper and Alice came to see the damage and sign insurance claim forms. Several businesses had been robbed or vandalized so the merchants joined together to hire a private detective to find who the police couldn't.

I wasn't in on the private dick decision, because my daddy was the greatest policeman in Forks…but the club wasn't in Forks, so dick away.

Alice, Jasper and Jasmine were over for dinner and to meet the person Emmett referred to investigate the break ins. The doorbell rang and I opened it to find a huge woman standing on my doorstep. She wasn't heavy; she was tall, with huge boobs. Maybe they weren't huge, but her tiny waist made them appear huge. She had long blonde hair with sky blue eyes, a pouty mouth and blindingly white teeth. She was pretty much a Nordic Amazon Goddess.

"You're lost," I said, I didn't ask, I pretty much begged it to be so.

"No, I'm here to see Edward Cullen," she smiled and I swore I saw a sparkle coming off her teeth.

"And you are?" I prayed the word, 'lesbian', would come from her mouth so I could flirt with her, but she said, "I'm Jillian Titsworth, I've been retained by Mr. Cullen."

Wait a minute, what was that name again? Did she just tell me her tits are worth a jillion?"

I held open the door and she walked into the house, standing easily as tall as Edward, ah. Poor Alice came only to the woman's chest, seeing first hand if her tits were worth that much. I looked over at Jasper, Edward, gah, and Trooper who all stood with their mouths open.

Budge glanced at the woman and said, "Wow, you must have great shoes." Jasmine's eyes moved quickly to the woman's shoes and I didn't have the heart to tell her nothing on her tiny body would ever be the size of Miss Titty's

The woman laughed and her jillion dollar chest bounced, causing one of the guys to sigh, and if I find out who it was I'm going for his dangler.

"Come in," Edward, gah, said.

"Let's sit in the kitchen," Jasper offered and I ran to my table and spread my arms across it to keep him away. Edward, gah, led them into his office instead.

"I'm going to kill Emmett," Alice said without any hint of an accent.

"Good, and can you believe he sent She-Ra here?" I added, piling on for the whole death to Emmett plan.

I made some coffee and took some cups into the office to see if both of the men were suckling at the expensive teat. I noticed how much taller Edward, gah, was sitting, and Jasper was laughing and speaking with a very thick accent.

"Ah hope ya can fine the scuhm who did this."

I wondered what the Whitlocks thought of Nordic Amazons. They were from a Northern country, but really too big for table humping or pond screwing.

I handed everyone a cup of coffee and then sat on the edge of the desk. The conversations stopped and everyone looked at me. Nobody cared when I was just the waitress, but trying to join the party put everyone in mannequin mode.

"Bella, we're working," Edward, bastard, said.

I stood slowly and wished I had gone ahead with that laser eye surgery. I gave my husband the death glare and then moved on to Jasper, who was already strategizing how to storm the hill…or hills. I finally looked at vain tit lady and said, "He's rich, but he doesn't have a jillion dollars."

I grabbed a rubber band off the desk and marched out of the room.

I paced back and forth waiting for them to tire of gawking, but they talked for over an hour. When they finally came into the great room Trooper looked at her chest, Budge looked at her shoes, and Dreamer looked at her daddy…not tit lady's daddy, her own daddy.

Both men walked her to the door and practically stumbled over each other to open it for her. I bet all she had to do was stand in front of the club and the thieves would run up to turn themselves in. The door closed and both guys turned to find furious wives.

"What the hell, Jas," Alice yelled. "You were practically doing her with your eyes."

Yeah, Jasper did that a lot. He usually did that to Alice, but he eye banged often.

"She came highly recommended," Edward, shithead, said.

"By Emmett," I yelled. Did he think I was stupid, like Emmett? "How is she supposed to work a case, she does not easily blend in."

"Don't yell at my daddy," Dreamer said harshly and walked over to hug his leg tightly.

"Thanks princess," he said and petted her head, which would be the only thing he would pet for months.

The Whitlocks left with their prissy daughter and we put our own kids to bed before heading to our bedroom. I removed my jeans and let my stomach muscles, which I had been holding in all evening, relax. Then I removed my shirt and push up bra, so my girls could relax, and finally I climbed into bed and turned away from my guy, to relax.

He snuggled up to my back, working a pretty stiff image of the giant peaches and kissed my neck. "Bella," he said softly.

I refused to answer, because I was pissed and because I was falling asleep, mainly because I was pissed.

"May I tell you something," he whispered and I gave him nothing, which was exactly what he was going to be getting for the rest of the year, nothing.

He began talking into my ear as I faked a coma, "I love your dark hair. And your brown eyes…God, they bring me right into your soul. When I hold you to my body your head lies on my chest and I feel like my heart beats just for you. Your legs fit perfectly around me and your breast fills my hand as if made just for me. You wear my ring, and you bore my children, I'll never be able to love you enough in an entire lifetime. I need eternity with you Bella, because this life just isn't enough."

I rolled over with tears spilling from my eyes. "I was jealous," I admitted.

"Of what?" he asked and ran his finger down my face.

"She's perfect," I said with a barely audible voice. He deserved perfect, but I really hoped he would make do with quirky.

"No, love, you're perfect, she is merely pretty."

I looked into his eyes and knew he was more than just a perfect shape, he had a perfect heart and my hundred buck tits didn't matter to him. He looked at the world through the pain and ach of a heart that had been betrayed. It made everything loyal and trustworthy the most beautiful sights in the world to him. She-Ra and her perfect body meant nothing, but the prism he looked through made me look pretty darn amazing.

"Do you like my nightgown?" I asked him.

"I love your nightgown," he said with a smile.

"It would look great on the floor," I suggested.

"Yeah, it would look amazing on the floor," he said and began pulling it up my body. I raised my hands in the air and he removed my nightgown and tossed it to the floor. I sighed when he rolled onto me and held me as he kissed my lips with soft, tender kisses.

I expected wall pounding affirmations, but he continued to hold me and kiss me softly until we both fell asleep, it was loving and sexy as hell.

The next morning I let him sleep as I got the kids off to school and waited for Rose to join me for some power walking. Emmett walked out of the house in his uniform and I held up my finger like a gun and pretended to shoot him.

"Hey Belly, what's up?" he asked, like we were friends or something.

"Out of all the connections you have why would you send Jill Boobsvalue?" I asked him outright.

"Who?" he asked since pretty Emma wasn't here to explain.

"The private dick…with the insured hooters," I said and crossed my arms since his eyes were naturally drawn to my hooters and it was the only thing left on my body he hadn't seen.

"Jill?" he asked.

"Ya think," I said sarcastically and turned so he wouldn't see how petty I was being.

"She's the best in the business," he said, but I heard, "Her business is the best."

I didn't respond so he added, "Belly, don't you want this all wrapped up before our trip? Edward wouldn't be able to relax if he was worried about the club while he was gone."

I glanced around to see if pretty Emma was feeding him lines to use and finally nodded. He got in his cruiser and backed up. I looked over at him as he held his hands like he was cupping boobs and shook them furiously. I picked up a rock to throw at him and realized it wasn't a rock I was holding. I screamed and dropped the dog shit and ran home to scrub my hands.

I hated Emmett.

Rose finally knocked on my door and she had a red nose and glassy eyes. For a moment I wondered if maybe she always looked that way and the private dick just made Rose look ordinary now.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm sick, Belly. I never get sick unless I'm pregnant," she said and I gasped.

"Are you still having sex with him?" I asked in shock. I was sure after the birth of Patrick she would have moved into her own bedroom.

"I got pregnant easily with Emma and then it took years with Patrick. I didn't think I could have anymore kids. I haven't used birth control in forever.

It suddenly dawned on me Rose would be pregnant in Hawaii, and my less than perky boobs wouldn't look so bad next to her big stomach. I tried not to smile so I bit my cheek to appear concerned.

"Are you going to take a test?" I asked her.

"I'll give it a few days and see if my period comes," she said and turned to drag her possibly pregnant butt back home.

Edward, ah, and me had a free day and I wasn't sure what to do with it. I made him breakfast and carried it upstairs to feed him in bed. He rolled over and had the exact same look as Rose, red nose and glassy eyes. I set the tray of food down and he instantly pushed it away.

"I feel awful," he groaned.

"Are you sleeping with Rose, because she is sick too and maybe the baby is yours?" I asked him and placed my hand on his head to check for a fever.

"I'm too sick to care," he groaned and I wondered if Jill's tits would be worth less if she got sick. She had been at our house, in Edward's, ah, office and most likely infected. The phone rang and I picked it up to have the school tell me Dreamer was sick, too.

This was becoming an epidemic and I worried about being the last man standing. I got Edward, ah, some Tylenol and juice before heading to the school to pick up dreamer. I got her situated on the couch with a juice box and videos and considered picking up Trooper to see if I was doing everything right.

Next, I ran to Rose's house to check on her. She was asleep in bed so I sat a bottle of juice and Tylenol next to her bed and got home to find Dreamer crying on the sofa as she held out her hands, covered in vomit.

I stripped her down and threw everything in the wash before running upstairs to get her a fresh nightgown and her favorite blanket. I searched her entire room for the blanket and had to settle for her favorite stuffed animal.

I got her settled and ran up to check on daddy, who was in the bathroom shitting his guts out. It wasn't the morning after a bender kind of shits, this was the kind that made you worry about dying and being found by loved ones kind of shits.

I took a deep breath and pinched my nose before opening the bathroom door. "You okay?" I asked without inhaling.

"Something crawled up my ass and died," he moaned.

I grabbed a fresh role of toilet paper and tossed it to him before running like hell. Whatever died up his ass, I had no desire to see. But I really hoped the jillion dollar tit woman was trying to pass the same dead creature.

Dreamer was crying for her blankie so I ran back upstairs for another look. I finally went into the boy's room and saw it lying in the corner next to Budge's bed. I picked it up and then leaned over to grab some dirty clothes, too. I spun around, happy to tell Dreamer I found the blanket and stepped on something spongy that splattered underneath my foot.

Sami is back to being the only pet.


	5. Chapter 5

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 5

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 5

The Driftwood was opening again tonight and Edward, ah, had advertised half priced drinks for the reopening. There was no way he could go in, since the dead thing was still coming out. It was left to me and the assistant manager, Sues' offspring, to run the club.

I knew Edward, ah, was really sick, because he didn't give me instructions or try to fill me in for the entire night. He simply groaned and let me leave. Jane wasn't so confident. When she walked in and saw me sitting at the desk she inhaled in fear and asked, "Where's Edward?" Of course, I heard, "Where's the man I hope will do me in the stockroom?"

"You know he shits like any other man, right?" I asked and her eyes looked confused. Wow, she had so much to learn about life. "He's sick and I'm here for the night."

"Okay, I've called in extra waitresses, and ordered the cook to make extra food. Can you work the bar or should I call in another bartender?"

I really wanted to work the bar, but Edward, gah, refused to let me after I assured him I knew how and then made up drinks instead of making what was ordered. I'm sorry, but a black Russian should be straight vodka poured over a glass of black olives. It wasn't like I added the jelly beans.

"You better call in another bartender," I groaned.

The phone rang and I answered proudly, "The Driftwood, home of squiggle tables and sexy singers."

"Where's Edward?" Jasper asked as if he was worried about something.

"He's at home, he thinks he is dying," I said with a giggle and Jasper gasped loudly.

"Oh God, are you running the club tonight?" he asked. Wouldn't that be funny if I actually had to pick up the club and run with it, I wouldn't be able to lift one table, but Red Sonja with the expensive cha cha's could probably run with the club, tucked tightly between her bosoms. "Bella!" Jasper screamed into the phone.

"Yes, I'm running the club, I'm not incapable you know. I did help beat Microsoft once," I said to remind him who his best worker used to be.

"Why didn't Edward call me, I could have shown up tonight, now I don't have time to get there," he said angrily.

"We don't have a phone in our bathroom," I pointed out, since that was where Edward, ah, spent the entire day.

"How old is Trooper again?" he asked. Oh now he did it, if he thought a child could run the club better than me I was going to prove him wrong. We would have to highest receipts ever and I would show both men I could be a better manager than they were…oh wow, Edward, ah, is the manager, yeah that makes sense.

I opened the doors right on time, well technically right when Jane told me it was time, but they were opened by me. A steady stream came into the club and I stood back and watched everything come together. The music was great, the drinks were pouring and people were having fun.

The door opened and I glanced over to see our hired gladiator walk in. She was dressed in really cute jeans and I wondered where she bought jeans with such long legs. Her shirt was a layered tee with her boobs looking totally worth a jillion dollars.

I walked over to her and pulled up a chair to stand on, so I was now looking down at her. "Why are you here?" I demanded.

"I'm watching for suspicious activity. Whoever's been breaking into the stores is most likely casing the place tonight to see what has changed. When I order a drink please instruct your people to make it without alcohol."

"Why can't you order it that way?" I asked, totally confused.

She looked a bit sheepish and said, "Men buy me drinks often, I want to make sure to stay level headed without making anyone suspicious."

"You poor baby," I said cynically and climbed off the chair. I began making the rounds to the wait staff and bartenders and pointed out the valuable tits, so they would help keep her sober.

Everything was going great and I was even dancing with myself throughout most of the night. Jane finally approached me and said, "It's time for the open mic, are you going to introduce the singers?" She held up a list and I took it eagerly. This was my favorite part.

I headed to the stage and she grabbed my arm. "Bella, introduce them and then leave the stage. Don't comment or say anything else. Read the paper, hand them a head mic, and walk away."

"When you speak in a foreign language I can't understand you," I said and walked away. It was my club and I could say anything I wanted, because Edward, ah, and Jasper weren't here. I was downright giddy.

The DJ stopped the music and I walked onto the stage to loud applause. Kibbles and Tits even clapped for me. I smiled widely and said, "Okay men and women," Yeah, I didn't believe it either. "This is the part where we swoon and cheer for the local talent. First up is Daniel Martin." A skinny kid with acne walked onto the stage and held his fists up high in the air. "Wow, Danny," I said, "If you're going to make that move you better be able to deliver." Everyone laughed and cheered.

I wasn't trying to be funny, I just wanted Danny boy to stop acting like a rock star if he couldn't stay on key. I handed him the mic and asked, "What song are you singing tonight?" It was on the paper but I would have to bend my head and read, so it was easier to just ask him.

"Sexy Back," he said and the room roared in laughter.

"Really, are you sure? I would go with something less boy band," I said and he suddenly looked a bit nervous. "How about Lyle Lovett, do you know, 'Here I am?'"

He nodded and I turned to the DJ, "Put on the new song. Okay guys; let's give it up for Daniel Martin."

I winked at him and whispered, "If you pull this off, some chick might actually give it up."

It was the perfect song for him, because he really needed to be speaking some of the lyrics and not singing them. The girls all gave him a huge applause and he looked like he had just been offered a peek at Jill's worthy tits.

I walked back onto the stage and took the head mic as I whispered, "Now go work the room, big Dan." He grinned and left the stage with a lot more swagger than the stupid fists in the air. I spent the entire two hours talking and joking with the performers. When open mic ended the place cheered loudly for me, and I didn't even sing.

Jane was waiting for me off the stage and said, "Bella you have to be here every night, your routine is priceless."

Routine, what routine, I simply talked to people. Who knew squiggle speak was a comedic routine?

"Are we making money?" I asked and really hoped Edward, ah, lived through the death shits so I could give him some good news.

"Are you kidding, Edward never should have offered half priced drinks for all night, we would have made a killing," she said and I was just sure it was Emmett's fault somehow.

When it came time to close we had to physically kick people out of the club. Gigantous stuck around and checked all the locks and windows before taking a stroll around the area. I was working on the books by drawing faces in all the zeros when Jane finally relieved me. She was so much like her mother.

I watched as the club was scrubbed and the chairs were placed on top of the squiggle tables. I felt like I had done something productive to help my family live, since Trooper did almost everything else. I was too excited to sleep when I got home so I checked on Dreamer, who appeared to be happily dreaming snuggled up to her father, who appeared to have lived through the death shits.

He opened his eyes and they appeared less glassy and more sexy. "Hi," I smiled at him.

"How did it go?" he asked, obviously feeling better enough to care.

"Great, Jane was stoked with the receipts," I said to let him know it wasn't squiggle numbers but real authentic numbers.

"Good, I'll call Jasper in the morning and give him hell for doubting you," Edward, ah, offered and I nodded appreciatively. Maybe Alice could be done easily in an airplane bathroom, but she never could have pulled off what I did tonight, even with an accent.

"Are you all better?" I asked.

"Yeah, I even managed some soup," he said and looked down at the sweetheart in his arms. "Dreamer stopped vomiting finally, but she wouldn't really eat anything. Trooper got some Gatorade down her."

I loved my wonderful son and knew his eventual angel wouldn't regret leaving heaven for him at all.

"Edward, ah, I was thinking," I said and noticed his lips pursed as he tried not to smirk, as if I never tried to think before. "I want to help out at the club more. Maybe I could run open mic for a couple of hours and then come home. We could hire a large grandmotherly type woman to be here legally in case Trooper needed assistance."

"I would love to have you at the club four days a week," he said and smiled as he reached out and took my hand in his. "But you can't pour drinks."

I smacked him lovingly and Dreamer's eyes shot open to protect the love of her life. I laughed and gave them both a kiss on the cheek and headed to the guest room to sleep. I woke up to the poke of a finger on my forehead and saw Budge staring at me.

"Have you seen my frog?" he asked.

"No," I lied, because not only had I seen his frog, I saw the inside of his frog. "But I heard a bunch of frogs in the woods last night; I bet he jumped through the doggie door to go play."

"Oh, cool," Budge replied and then looked at his new shoes before adding, "I need a new back pack."

I groaned and climbed out of bed to reach the top shelf in my closet and pull down yet another back pack. We purchased them in bulk, it was cheaper that way. I headed down the stairs to find Trooper making a lunch for Budge, so I gave him a kiss and moved him aside. Dreamer was still sleeping with her daddy and when I walked onto the porch to watch the boys board the bus Miss Titty was waiting in her car.

She was perfectly coiffed and I looked like a walking version of Budge's squashed frog. I placed my arms under my boobs and lifted them as I said, "Why are you sitting outside my house?"

"I have an update for Mr. Cullen," she said and I wasn't letting her set up a date with my guy no matter how much money he had.

"He's sick, you'll have to date me," I said and she smiled, just like Eric used to smile at Edward, ah.

Hum!

We walked into the house and sat at the table. "Do you want some coffee?" I asked her and she shook her head back and forth. She handed me a file and then scooted her chair close so we could both look at it. I tried to stare at the paper, but her expensive tits were resting on my table and I was drawn to them to see if maybe she had diamond nipples or something.

She put her arm around my chair and said, "I detected a pattern to the robberies as you can see, and stolen merchandise was found at a pawn shop on the wharf. The ID used was a fake, but we got a description of a young male. He may just be a flunky used to get rid of the cheaper stuff or possibly a drug user only worried about his next score."

"Do you want some coffee?" I asked again, because she spoke just like Carlisle and I only heard, blah, blah, blah.

She laughed loudly, proudly displaying her white teeth with no fillings. Her hand rose to take a strand of my hair and push it behind my ear and I wasn't sure if she was trying to help me keep my husband, or trying to steal me from my husband.

Edward, ah, walked down the stairs in sweat pants and a hoodie, luckily not scratching anything, and widened his eyes at the sight of Emmett's female counterpart. I quickly jumped up from my chair and offered it to my husband. He could motorboat the damn tits for all I cared, I just wanted away from this woman.

"Honey, she has some papers to show how the shops on the wharf have fake drugs," I said and She-Ra laughed again and gave me the, 'ah precious.' head tilt.

I looked at her suspiciously and asked, "What's your favorite shape?"

She thought for a moment as her large blue eyes looked up at the ceiling, "I guess a straight line, without any shape, why?"

She was a sick and twisted woman.


	6. Chapter 6

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 6

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 6

It was a solid week before Rose came over to see why I wasn't walking anymore. I told her how I spent two hours and the club four days a week and was waiting for her to get better. Her face reddened a bit and she looked like she wanted to talk about something difficult.

I placed my hand on top of hers and asked, "Are you leaving Emmett?"

I had my ankles crossed; my hidden fingers crossed, and crossed my eyes for an extra measure of good luck.

"No," she said, and I let my fingers and ankles relax, but had to smack my head to get my eyes back to normal. "I'm not pregnant," she said sadly and I just didn't get her sadness. It would be a good thing that nothing from Emmett was growing inside of her, but damn, now she's going to look great in a bikini.

"Do you want another baby?" I asked her.

"No, not really," she said and wiped a tear. "I'm having premature menopause and it is so freaking awful."

I stared at her as if I was a Whitlock from the south and tried to understand what she was saying. The only thing I knew less about than childbirth was menopause. I heard the word a time or two, but really had no idea what it meant.

"I have to take estrogen," she said softly.

"Take it where?" I whispered back.

"It's a pill, I have to take it to keep having my period," she tried to explain.

Wait, there was a pill to make you get cramps, bloating, and emotional. And women willingly took this pill? I should have been a doctor to stop the medical profession from screwing over the female population.

"So if you don't take the pill you won't have a period?" I asked hoping I could catch the disease Rose had.

"No, but I'll have menopause symptoms," she said and crossed her arms angrily.

"What are the symptoms?" I asked, hoping I could stand in the rain and come down it them.

"Mood swings, hot flashes, chills, dry skin…"

"So if you keep your period you have all that plus your period, but if you don't, you still have all that?" I was so confused and really pissed that Eric's people crawled out of the sea to begin the process of evolution.

"The biggest issue is vaginal dryness," she said and wouldn't look at me when she said it.

Oh, I get it, menopause is Emmett's fault. No woman would get wet for him, and poor Rose gave it her best effort and needed a pill to fool him. I had nothing to worry about, Edward, ah, kept me pretty much lubed at all times.

I felt safe in sharing my own problem with my bestie, since vaginal dryness was on the table I figured I could talk on just about anything.

"You know the dick Emmett sent to Edward, ah?" I asked and looked around to see if my guy was anywhere close.

"Belly, you can't say things like that without explaining," she said and I realized her mood pills weren't working yet.

"The woman who is looking into the robberies," I explained and she nodded. "I think she wants me."

"Wants you for what?" she asked and I realized only pretty Emma was advanced in that family.

"She wants me to do her, I think, maybe she wants to do me, but anyway she wants one of us to do the other."

"She's a lesbian?" Rose asked stupidly. "I guess it makes sense, I mean, she is in a man's profession."

I gasped because I suddenly realized since she was the dick she wanted to do me. It was a difficult subject but Rose one upped me and brought up a harsher one. "Did you talk to Trooper about Natalie?"

"Yeah," I said and jumped up to check on something, anything. I wasn't about to tell her my son tricked her advanced daughter when she needed a pill to steady her moods.

"I told Emma to talk to him too, try to convince him he can do much better. I told her to build him up a bit and make him think older girls would like him, too. Are you okay with that?" she asked.

"Yeah, fine," I said and kept searching for something to check.

"I think Jessica is pushing the whole connection since Trooper looks so much like Edward, maybe you should have a talk with Jessica," she suggested.

"We haven't seen her since the Forks carnival two years ago," I said and stopped my phantom search.

"What do you mean, we?" Rose asked and gave me an odd look.

"Me Bella, and him Edward, ah," I said to explain to poor menopausal Rose.

"That shit," she said with a tight jaw and stood to leave, but she didn't leave, she went into Edward's, ah, office. I ran to catch up and thought she was talking about his bout with the shits.

"Edward, you didn't tell Belly about Jessica being one of your distributers?" she yelled.

"I knew," I told her. "She distributed to him for almost two years, but that was before we met a long time ago."

Edward, ah, was sitting at his desk working on whatever he worked on, as his face drained of blood and his eyes looked filled with guilt. I looked at Rose's furious face, which wouldn't look back at me and then at Edward, gah, who wouldn't look up at me.

"What's going on?" I asked and wished my lesbian lover was here to hold me when I heard the coming news.

"Rose, leave," he said harshly and I wondered why he never used that tone with Emmett.

"You better be a man and tell her, or I will," she said, and since Rose needed her estrogen she was a lot closer to being a man than Edward, gah, knew.

I looked at my love, my reason for living, the man who gave me nothing but joy, well most of the time joy, a lot of the time joy, sometimes he gave me joy, oh hell, he better be bringing the joy. He reached into his desk and pulled out a folder with a thick contract. Oh God, Layton Marcus lied to me and the divorce papers only kept her away for a certain number of years.

"Bella, I want you to look at this contract," he started and I reached for it with shaky hands. "I try to find…"

"Don't leave me," I cried out.

He smiled and said softly, "Are you listening?"

I wondered if he had tried to tell me about this many times and I wasn't listening. Maybe on our honeymoon he told me I got to have his dangler for a certain number of times and I greedily used them all up. My lease was up and I had to return him to the dealership. I would fight for a longer lease, and more miles, I would buy him if I had to. Oh, he's waiting.

"I love you," I said and he smiled.

"The cheaper I can buy the liquor the greater our profit," he said and I was lost. What did this have to do with Jessica, unless he was leaving and trying to teach me how to run the club? I began to cry and he mumbled, "That damn Rose."

Yeah, she should have kept her nose out of my marriage. I would have happily continued on with my worthy titted lover and racking up the miles on my leased husband, but she just had to interfere.

"Jessica works for the company I order liquor from," he explained. "I tried to find another supplier but this is the cheapest." Of course it is, if Jess is involved cheap is the number one requirement. "I am not happy with the arrangement and Jasper tries to deal with her for me, but there are times I have to speak with her. I do it for my family, since ordering from this company benefits us."

I smiled at him as my wheels began spinning in my head. My poor guy had to order booze from the boozehound he divorced. Jasper helped, and I'll deal with his deception later, but Edward, gah, forgot one thing, I was part of The Driftwood too, so maybe it was time for me to handle the booze orders.

I walked over to sit on his lap, which I still held the lease to, and kissed him with all I had. He responded and glanced at the clock to see if the kids were safely gone for hours. He moved his mouth up to my ear and whispered, "Want to try the chair maneuver again?"

What a brave man my guy was, he was willing to take an older, not yet dried up, unwaxed, vagina to the face. How many men would do that? I quickly pulled off my jeans as he only lowered his. The chair lowered to the floor, and back, as I positioned myself over him. I made sure to remain upright and not give in to my desire to kiss him as he played me like a tune on his guitar. He let loose with his affirmations of love, interspersed between the word, effing, and I heard something totally different.

It sounded like my father's voice calling out for me from the back door. I swung my leg over Edward's, ah, body and forgot to…disconnect first. He screamed and sat up right as my leg made contact with the side of his head. He naturally fell to the side, because of the force of my kick and the part of him still…attached. I grabbed my jeans as he grabbed his manhood.

I had them completely covering my body just as my father walked into the room to see Edward, ah, lying on the floor with his pants around his ankles and holding his almost detached dangler. "Edward, gah," I yelled as a cover, "What have I told you about playing with that in the house?"

My father swallowed hard and sat an envelope on the desk and walked out of the room. "Daddy, wait," I yelled and ran after him, leaving Edward, ah, to lie in humiliation alone. "What did you want?" I asked my father.

"Um…I just had some coupons to give you," he said nervously and wouldn't look at me. "For Hawaii, a free helicopter ride."

I giggled because it was kind of what he interrupted, I was riding Edward's, ah, flying machine for free, but my daddy made it crash. I hope his coupons weren't so unlucky.

"I also wanted to see if I could take the boys salmon fishing," he added. I knew Trooper would love it, but Budge would want to keep whatever he caught as a pet. Plus he didn't know the thing about fish being afraid of voices. "I would take Dreamer but I'm a bit worried about her wandering off."

"Oh yeah, totally," I agreed. "Um, dad, do you know Jillian Titsworth?"

"Sure, she's a great detective. She moved here from San Francisco and was highly decorated."

"Is she gay?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know about that, she seems…feminine," he said and turned red. Big tits didn't necessarily mean feminine; it only meant men could picture themselves doing her.

"She's working on a case for the merchants around the club, I get a feeling sometimes she is flirting with me," I said and my father patted my back in reassurance.

"Honey, remember when you thought the woman at the convenience store was trying to send you telepathic messages?"

"Dad, I was twelve," I said to defend myself, but she really was doing something to me because every time I entered that store I got a weird ringing in my ears.

"Well, I'm sure this is just your imagination. Um…you better go see about Edward," he said and made a run for the door.

I walked back into the office to find my guy motionless on the floor with his pants still around his ankles. I walked over to him and he rolled onto his back to look up at me. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm trying to make a decision," he said as he stared at the ceiling.

"Do I want to hear this?" I asked, terrified it was the decision to keep me or not.

"It involves you," he said and looked back at me. "I refuse to let the chair win, but maybe we're just not a chair kind of couple."

I glanced at the chair that was lying on its side and sighed, "Maybe we're picking the wrong kind of chair. We might be Adirondack chair people?"

"No, the seat is too deep back," he pointed out.

"Maybe we're stool people?"

"No, it has to have a back or we're both dead."

I smiled and knew exactly what we had been missing for the past close to thirteen years. "We need a new luv sack."

"You are the brightest woman in the world," he said with his own big smile.

"I'll order it as soon as I get back," I promised.

"Back from where?" he asked.

"I'm picking up the kids from school today."

"Why?" he asked as he continued to lie on the floor with his dangler in his hand.

"I need to have a chat with one of the moms," I said, leaving out the fact it was Nastyalie's mom and our chat was going to be show down number three.


	7. Chapter 7

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 7

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 7

I parked my vehicle right up front and waited for the school bell to ring. I stood by the bus to keep my kids from getting on board and also keep an eye out for the booze schlepping canker. Budge came running out with his shoes in his hands. Trooper stopped him and said a few words before Budge dropped his shoes and ran back into the building for his back pack.

Dreamer was being escorted by the teacher who only let go of her hand when Trooper was there to take it. They walked toward the bus and saw me. "Hi mom, what are you doing here?" Trooper asked.

"I thought I would pick up the greatest kids in this school and take them for pizza," I said and he smiled.

"Can you take Patrick and Emma, too?" he asked and I knew he could care less about Patrick.

"Sure, the car is out front, I want to say hello to someone." I watched him gather the kids together and noticed pretty Emma use her phone to call her mother. I waited for them to leave and found my target talking with the school principle, most likely arranging a private meeting so her daughter could take boys P.E.

I waited for her to finish and for the poor man to run for the safety of his locked office before walking up behind her. It had been a long time since I saw her close up and she was not aging well. She had fine lines around her mouth…most likely from all the stretching it had done. Her heavy eye makeup couldn't hide the crow's feet, from the buzzards thinking she was dead due all the time she spent lying down. But her obvious smoking had given her skin a saggy yellowish tint. Whoredom is a hard knock life.

"Hi Jess," I said, feeling buoyed by the fact a hot chick wanted me. Now, I understood how those old movie stars feel when a young up and comer wants to get their hooks into them. I knew I was only using Big Tittles, but it made me feel good.

"I didn't touch him, if that's why you're here," she said hatefully.

"I'm here on business, and no I'm not leaving you a twenty as I dump your ass out of my car. I just want you to know I am doing the liquor ordering for The Driftwood now, and I'm taking bids from other companies. If you're the cheapest," I leaned in to whisper," and we know you are." I stood back up, "I'll still order from you, if not, bye."

"What's wrong with Edward?" she asked.

"God, nothing, he's perfect," I said and purred the word perfect. "Oh and Trooper is a very bright boy, so you might want to forget that whole angle too, he's got a girl already. If you come near my guys I'll turn you into fish bait, you tuna smelling ho."

"Who do you think you are?" she yelled hatefully.

I smiled and held up my ring hand. "I'm Mrs. Edward, ah, Cullen."

"Big deal, there has been a lot of those," she said and yeah, it stung a bit. "He hands out rings like most men hand out flowers. Haven't you ever wondered why we cheated on him?"

"Nope," I lied, "Not once."

"He doesn't know how to be a man. He lets people walk all over him. He should have been like his father and grandfather, but he's nothing but a low life bartender with a crazy ass wife."

"I know the definition of a man to you is a guy who screws and runs like hell, but he stayed because he knows a real man works through the shit and tries harder. He would have been a great husband if you would have kept your legs shut." Wait I was telling her how she could have kept the man I would die without, was I stupid, or Emmett?

She laughed and shook her head, "I cheated because I was sick of his whining and acting like such a woman. He couldn't even be home alone without wanting me right there next to him. I was suffocating from his neediness."

I shook my head and said, "You had a great guy who wanted a marriage, and you didn't even realize it."

"I offered to go to counseling, but he was sleeping with another woman by then, you."

I stared at her in shock; did I really ruin their marriage? She had to be lying; the papers were already drawn up when he came to my bed. I forgot the main thing to remember when dealing with Jessica, booze bitch, Stanley…whores lie. I was a bit pissed at myself for falling for it.

"So Edward, ah, slept with me and you slept with the pacific fleet, and he wouldn't go to counseling with you, what a bastard," I laughed.

"Mom," Trooper called out for me and Jessica looked him up and down like a buttered shrimp. "Let's go," he said.

"I'll be right there," I turned back to Jess and my perfect lemniscates son reached out for my arm.

I looked back at him and he smiled softly, looking identical to Edward, ah. "Mom, it's not worth it," he said. "Let's go eat pizza and have a good day."

My son put everything into perspective, I didn't need to push Jessica down, she was already as low as she could go. My guys wanted to spend time with me, and it wasn't out of neediness, it was out of love. Maybe Edward, ah, did jump the gun too quickly and propose to women, but it was only because he was the kind of man who wanted a wife and family, he didn't feel stifled or unsuccessful being a bartender, he chose this life because it made him happy.

I turned to Trooper and said, "I'll race you, and took off as fast as I could. We picked up several pizzas and took them home to eat. Rose came over to join us, since Embutt was working. I chewed with my mouth wide open and didn't care. I was so darn happy with my life.

After Edward, ah, left for the club Rose asked me to go shopping for swimsuits. She just had to wait until after the pizza so I would look my absolute worst. I looked at my children and said, "I can't leave them alone for the evening." My excuse would have worked if it wasn't for those star crossed lovers Trooper and pretty Emma.

"Mom, go, Emma and I will watch the kids," Trooper offered. I didn't want to point out pretty Emma would be babysitting him too, at least in the eyes of the state of Washington.

"They're going to kiss," Budge laughed loudly and Patrick laughed too, not because he found anything funny, Patrick just laughed over anything.

Pretty Emma glared at poor Trooper and he looked like he wanted to cry. I had to save his rep before he turned to Nastyalie. "Budge, don't tease your brother or we'll talk about a certain pair of head panties in your drawer."

Budge got a huge smile and turned to Patrick. "I have Jasmines panties, want to see them?" he asked. Oh yeah, Budge would be doing her and then telling everyone, I felt a bit sorry for Jasmine, but heck she'll owe him for a rep.

So, without any excuses I trudged to the mall with gorgeous menopausal Rose. We stopped at the large department store and dug through last season's left over's. Rose frowned and then said, "Pick a style and find your size, then we'll order them of the internet."

"Okay, but make sure it isn't anything my bitchy sisters would wear," I said and she turned to face me.

"After all these years will you tell me what happened with them?"

I groaned and plopped into a chair next to the dressing rooms. "They were awful. They kept asking me what agency I was with, like I was a spy or something."

"Maybe they thought you were a model like them," Rose said and I thought for a moment, hum, maybe they were not as bitchy as I thought.

"Well, the less bitchy one came on to Edward, ah, right in front of me. She actually told him he didn't need to pay her, like on his honeymoon he would need to pay anyone," I said emphatically.

Rose patted my arm with sympathy, although she was smiling like she found it funny. I'm glad her vagina dried up.

We went back to our hunting and she held up a bikini that required not only waxing, but most likely surgery to sew up the top of my labia. "I'm not wearing that," I gasped.

"Why, Edward would love it," she said and I wondered why in the hell she kept track of what my husband loved.

"You wear it," I said and she smiled and ran to the dressing room…because her labia was probably similar to dried fruit. She stuck her head out the door and called for me. I walked over to the small dressing room and she stood back and said, "What do you think?"

I looked her up and down and knew my expensive titty friend was going to dump me for Rose. She looked amazing, even if the Rockette was still alive. I wished Edward, gah, never invited them to go with us. "It's okay?" I said with a shrug so she wouldn't purchase it and find a more appropriate total body covering wet suit.

"I think I'm going to get it," she said with a whisper.

"I think a wave will break it," I whispered back.

She thought for a moment and said, "You know, we really should get several for the trip."

Yeah, because the one she was wearing would take all of five minutes to dry. I walked away and tried to find something I could wear without feeling like a white ghost trying to scare the locals. I dug through the rack and found something hanging from the hanger that was undistinguishable. It hung oddly and had so many openings I couldn't figure out how to put it on.

A salesgirl walked by and I grabbed her arm. "What is this?" I asked and held up the hanger.

"Oh, it is a one piece with the sides cut out and no back, see like this," she said and held up a bikini with a swatch a material running from the top to the bottom. "This one would be too large for you, but we have an orange one if you want to try it on."

I hugged her tightly and when she handed me the suit I said, "I'll take it," without trying it on. It really only mattered what it looked like in my own mind, and I was mentally wearing the hell out of it.

Rose bought the menopause suit, and I got my orange weird suit. We walked from the store both happy. We had the difficult task of finding Emmett a Hawaiian shirt. It had to be big enough for his broad shoulders and huge biceps, but not so big it hung from his lean waist. "I want one with a lot of red, Em looks great in red," Rose said.

"Let's shoot him," I suggested and she only laughed. "Not really kidding," I added under my breath.

"Does Edward have a Hawaiian shirt?" she asked me.

"No, but he likes to pick out his own clothes," I lied, he actually forbids me to buy him clothing anymore. One time I buy him a woman's shirt and he holds a grudge forever.

We finally gave up on the monster shirt for Emmett and Rose decided to have some made for him. I was going to shop for my Hawaiian clothes online, since finding what I wanted during the winter in Washington didn't offer too many choices.

We were driving home when Rose informed me she made an appointment for us that would guarantee a five pound weight loss and a flat stomach for our trip. I was all for it, and couldn't imagine a store like that actually existed. It was called a colonic and it sounded like some sort of drink. I'd drink something with that kind of power.

I was beginning to get really excited for the trip and when Rose pulled into my driveway I didn't think anything could ruin my high, until her car lights shined on the garage door and we both gasped loudly. Graffiti was spray painted all over the lowered door, with filthy words, and obscene drawing.

Rose grabbed her phone to call Emmett as I jumped from the car and ran to the house to check on the kids. I flew through the unlocked door to find the kids playing a board game in the middle of the great room. "Is everything okay?" I asked in a panic.

They all nodded and Trooper stood and walked over to me. "Mom, are you okay? You look scared."

"Did anyone stop by or did you hear anything outside?" I asked him.

"No, but we've been pretty loud," he explained and I nodded, a little relieved they weren't making out.

The phone rang and it was Edward, ah. Rose had called him, too. "Bella, I'm sending Jillian over there right now, and I'll call your father," he said and I could hear the panic in his voice.

Rose walked through the door and was going to wait for my father to escort her next door. In a few moments Jill showed up. I went outside to meet her and showed her the garage. She pulled out a huge flashlight and walked around the property, man her tits made her really brave.

She came back to the porch and said, "I didn't see anything, and it could possibly be unrelated to the burglaries, maybe some teens just messing around."

"I'm so scared," I admitted and wrapped my arms around my body to stop the shaking.

"Don't worry, Bella," she said and then pulled me into her arms, with my face held tightly to her chest. "I won't let anything happen to you."

That better be her flashlight I feel against my hip!


	8. Chapter 8

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 8

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 8

My father showed up with Emmuck in a cruiser. He turned on a spotlight and stared at the garage as if he didn't understand the drawings. He looked in my trash for paint cans, in the dirt for foot prints, and asked me if anything appeared to be missing. My dad was the greatest cop around.

Soon Port Angeles officers began arriving and my house was flooded in flashing lights. We allowed them to speak to Trooper and pretty Emma, but not the younger kids. Budge would only try to trade a shoe for a gun anyway.

I listened to my dad and robo tit talk about possible motives and leads on the burglaries and I began to doubt the abilities of my father and my girlfriend. They were stumped and maybe this was going to take someone who didn't think like a square. I put on my own detective hat and turned to stare at the garage.

Okay, eff and then some drawing of a cat, or maybe a dog. Hum…Oh, a sheep or ewe, F you! Then a huge X. Maybe it means the spot, F you on this spot. No, that doesn't work. And the drawing of a man and woman effing, hum. I stared for a long time as my squiggle interpreter worked really hard.

I suddenly screamed and the entire police force jumped, Emdud actually placed his hand on his gun. I spun around and jumped up and down in front of my dad. "I got it," I screamed, "and I know who did this."

My dad chuckled, but my girlfriend looked pretty damn proud.

"Look, it is a message." I said and ran over to point at the door as I helped them decipher the code. "Okay, we all know this word," I said and refrained from saying fuck in front of my daddy. "This is a ewe, so F you, and then the X means Edward, ah. He is the ex the message is for. And this is his mother, so he is bleeping his mother. So all together it is…F you Edward, mother effer! Jessica did this, and she is the saleswoman he orders his liquor from so she would benefit from destroying all the bottles."

I was on a roll and I was going to blame Jessica for global warming if I could. "I bet she killed Budge's frog, too."

The driveway, full of officers were totally silent as they stared at the artwork and tried to work through my hypothesis. I began to think it would take them three weeks until Emmett said, "It makes sense. Maybe the vandalism at the Driftwood wasn't related to the other robberies, but done to make everyone think it was."

Was my father really going to stand there and let Gorp defend me? Was he really my only supporter? Come on dad; don't let the Hulk be my champion.

The guys all huddled together to converse in police talk and She-Ra came over to talk to me. I backed up until my body was against the filthy pictured garage and prayed she didn't plan on posting me against the door. "You have a great mind," she said.

"Pblah," I said proving my great mind came and went.

"You should have been a detective," she smiled.

"Edward's, ah, the dick in our family," I pointed out in case she thought my non-waxing was the least of my problems. "He's a great dick," I continued, "And I would know, since I have tried a lot of dicks." What the hell was wrong with me? A gorgeous lesbian gives me a compliment and I turn into a whore.

I huffed loudly and said, "Thanks."

She laughed and gave my arm a gentle squeeze before telling me something scary, "I'm staying the night to make sure nothing happens."

Oh good, she doesn't plan on anything happening. The officers left and I got Jill a blanket and pillow so she could sleep on the sectional and headed up stairs to wait for Edward, ah, to come home. I fell asleep but woke up when my bedroom door slammed harshly. I jumped and reached for the lamp next to my bed.

I saw my gorgeous guy with his back against the door and a look of terror on his face. "Damn it, Bella," he yelled. "You should tell me when women sleep on our couch."

"Why, what happened?" I asked.

His eyes dropped with embarrassment and he blushed a little, so I covered my mouth with my hand so I wouldn't laugh. "She was rolled into a ball with the blanket over her head, I thought it was you."

"Do you owe her a jillion dollars?" I asked, a bit jealous he touched the mother lode.

"I didn't touch her, I just…spoke to her," he groaned.

Oh man, I really hope he didn't get on his knee and propose, since that was such a habit of his, plus she was actually my girlfriend not his. I waited for him to tell me what he said, but he was trying to stop the blood vessel in his forehead from bursting.

"Edward, ah, what did you say?" I asked and held my breath to hear what inappropriate words he used.

"I was trying to be spontaneous…and erotic," he said as he remained pinned to the bedroom door.

"Okay, what spontaneous and erotic thing did you say?"

"Oh God," he moaned and I sat up and waited for his spontaneous erotica. "I said, wake up and come to bed and I'll stick my tongue wherever you want."

"Where did she want you to stick it?" I asked, although I think I already knew because she wasn't really a dangler kind of woman.

"She told me to stick it up my own ass," he said and let his head drop into his hand. Hum…not what I thought she would go with, beside the fact it was actually impossible.

I got out of the bed and walked up to where he was leaning against the door to give him a loving hug, and also to find out if the offer was still good. I took hold of his shirt and began to unbutton it as I spoke softly. "I can think of something a lot better to do with your tongue."

"Yeah?" he smiled and reached out for my sweatshirt before frowning and saying, "Why are you wearing a sweatshirt?"

"I was cold," I lied, I didn't have the nerve to tell him I was afraid big mama would sneak into my room and find out what my tits were worth. I wasn't giving her a look at my coins.

This time I let Edward, ah, scream out all he wanted as he beat on the wall. It was my way to telling our guest our love affair was over. If she didn't realize I was a dangler lover now, she was just plain stupid.

The following morning I got the kids off to school before Edward, ah, and Jillian sat across from each other in total silence. The phone rang and I answered it. "Hi, Dad."

"Bella, did you have a fight with Jessica at the kid's school?"

"No."

"Bella?"

"Maybe."

"Bella?"

"Daddy, she's a whore," I whined.

"Well, now she is claiming she paid someone to vandalize the house because you threatened her and she was afraid."

"Whore's lie," I told him in case he was unaware.

"Let me talk to Edward," he said and I reluctantly handed over the phone. He stood and left the room to talk and Jill looked at me with her eyes widened.

"My husband's ex wife Jessica, spread em, Stanley told my dad…."

"Jessica Stanley?" Jill asked as if I didn't just say the words Jessica Stanley.

"Yeah, they were married a long time ago and for less than two years, but she won't give it up, which is odd for Jess because she always gives it up."

She-Ra suddenly looked angry, very angry, like Edward, ah, just offered her his tongue kind of angry. Her eyes narrowed and she sat her coffee cup down harshly on the table before shaking her head back and forth. I could tell something I said upset her, so I began thinking back over what I said.

She seemed angry that Edward, ah, had been married to Jess, well jump in line sister. Maybe she knew Jess…like…intimately. Oh my God, she did the deed with the biggest deed doer in the county. Jess was an equal opportunity doer of deeds.

"Um…Jill, did you..um…have you, I mean, you know Jess?"

"Yes, I do," she said with tight lips, which Jessica doesn't have.

Edward, ah, walked back into the room and I was stuck between two people who had a lot more in common than they realized. It was bad enough Jess cheated with men, but how could I tell my guy she cheated with women, too.

"I'm going to call an attorney," he said, "I'm not putting up with Jess's shit."

"I can handle her," titty woman said. "In fact, I could use your help Bella."

"Me?" I gasped.

She looked at Edward, ah, with her baby blues and said, "I'm afraid some of this is my fault. I actually live with Jessica and I've talked about the case."

"Wait," I said, "You tried to cheat on Jess with me?"

Edward's, ah, eyes moved back and forth between us as if trying to remember our names. He was stunned, almost a jillion dollars worth. But I was actually considering giving her a spin, since it would upset Jess so much.

"Can someone explain this?" Edward, ah, begged.

"Honey," I began, "It isn't that difficult. Jill Tittysworth…"

"Titsworth," she corrected me.

I giggled, "Does it really matter?" She gave me a half smile and I continued on, "She's a lesbian and living with Jess, who is a nondenominational whore." I pointed at Jill, "I didn't want this dick, because I want this dick," I said and took hold of Edward, ah.

"I'll bring Jess to the club tonight and make sure my drinks are without liquor," Jill said and I nodded. The boys were going fishing with my dad and I would arrange for Dreamer to stay with my mom. Jess was going to pay for my new garage door or I was taking her girlfriend.

I got dressed that evening and wasn't quite sure what I needed my clothes to say. It wasn't their fault I had to change several times; it was my own confusion, so I hung them back up. I showed up in a pair of jeans with heels and a tank with a hoodie over it. I felt butch and girly at the same time.

The club was full and the music loud when Jill pulled me onto the dance floor. I was bopping as Jill was bouncing…well, parts of Jill were bouncing. She kept looking around the place as I closed my eyes and felt the music. Someone suddenly grabbed my hair and I yelled out in pain as I opened my eyes to see Jess glaring at me.

"That hurt," I screamed.

"What do you think you're doing?" she yelled.

"I'm dancing, isn't it obvious. You have a lot of nerve coming into Edward's, ah, club after what you've done."

"I didn't touch his club, and I only wrote on your garage because you threatened me," she shot back.

"Well, paybacks a bitch, so your name must be payback. You either fix my garage or I'm doing your girlfriend," I threatened without realizing I just made my husband's biggest fear come true…or his biggest wish, I wasn't sure which.

Jessica laughed and shook her head so I said, "Where do you think she spent the night last night?" She glanced at her Klingon lover and back at me with a shaky smirk. "Write me a check for three thousand dollars and we can go back to ignoring each other," I said with my arms crossed.

"No way," she laughed nervously.

"Fine," I said and grabbed big tits by her shirt and pulled her right to my mouth and kissed her hard. It wasn't a romantic kiss, it was more like an Eric kiss, but everyone cheered loudly, and most of the college boys had a wet dream that night.

Jess turned to storm out of the club, but ran into smack dab into Edward, ah. My kind gentle lemniscates had finally reached his limit. All his patience and goodness came to an end. He grabbed Jess by the arm and marched her into his office. I ran after him and Jill ran after me.

His door slammed shut but we put our ears against the wood and listened.

"Jessica this isn't about money, it is about respect. You never gave me a moment of respect and I'm sick of it. This is my livelihood; it is how I take care of my family. If you don't fix this I'm switching suppliers and telling your boss it is all because of you. I want my garage door fixed and I want your daughter to stay away from my son."

"You can…"

"This isn't a discussion, Jess. You do what I say and then get the hell out of my life. Oh, and I want you to apologize to my wife, too."

"Why couldn't you be this manly when we were together?" she asked.

"Why couldn't you be a lesbian when I met you?" he replied with.

The door opened and both me and Jill stumbled into the room and almost fell. Jessica glared at us both and said, "I'm sorry, Bella. I'll mail you a check." She pushed past Jill and stomped off so my short lived girlfriend ran after her.

I turned to Edward, ah, and laughed as I said, "Can you forgive me for kissing someone else?"

"Lock the door and get over here," he said harshly, since he was on a manly roll. His language was really awful this time, and I even thought I heard the word dyke…but maybe it was mic?"


	9. Chapter 9

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 9

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 9

Our drama ended after that night. Jess admitted to breaking into the club and knew how to make it appear like it was related to the other robberies, since she lived with a private dick. The real thief was eventually caught and I had a brand new garage door.

It was Christmas and the kids were so excited, but I kept thinking about the warm sun of Maui. I ordered some clothes but Edward, ah, got me the best stuff for the trip for Christmas. This was going to be like a second honeymoon, except with Emmett along.

We were snuggled up in bed, Edward, ah, wearing his red Santa pajama bottoms after delivering an amazing gift the night before, when Dreamer snuck into our room. She tapped Edward's, ah, shoulder and said, "Daddy, Santa came and he…"

I opened my eyes to see what caught her attention and she was holding a bright pink candy cane from her stocking. "Did you kids get into the presents already?" I asked.

"No, Trooper wouldn't let us," she said and put the candy back in her mouth. I wondered if Trooper would be buying all the gifts when he finds out his dad has a lot of money. I would be almost useless when that happens.

"I'll get the camera," Edward groaned and got out of bed.

"Is the reindeer food gone?" I asked because I wondered if reindeer liked oatmeal with glitter. Last night when Trooper helped Dreamer sprinkle it in the yard I wasn't too sure. I looked out the front window and couldn't see anything, but Sami had glitter stuck to her fur.

We all gathered around the tree and Edward, ho ho ho, donned his Santa hat and began handing out gifts. Trooper got a laptop, since he was on the scholastic team. Budge got a chemistry set and I worried about his precious fingers he was bound to blow off. Dreamer got a Barbie house, and damn if that little bitch doesn't have everything…Barbie, not Dreamer.

We were vegging out on the sofa watching the kids and yelling at Budge to stop chasing Sami with his remote control car when the Cullens showed up. Carlisle was much more formal with his grandkids. Trooper tried to act respectful…like Edward, but Budge did everything he could to get under the man's skin…like me. I wasn't sure Dreamer knew exactly who he was.

"Grandfather, look at my laptop," Trooper said.

"I'll load some software for you," Carlisle offered.

"It's okay, it has Microsoft Off…..oh, sorry," I said and rushed into the kitchen to check on the rolls, yep, they were rising.

"Grandpa, look what I got, if I use sodium bicarbonate I can set grease on fire and suffocate it with the powder."

"Who gave that chemistry set to you?" Carlisle asked with wide eyes.

"Santa," Budge said and then whispered so Dreamer couldn't hear, "Daddy."

"Edward, you actually allow this child to have chemicals?"

"He's going to set the fires anyway; he might as well be equipped to extinguish them," Edward, ah, pointed out.

"I'm going to make a bomb," Budge said with a big smile to make the vein in his grandpa's forehead pulse.

"Make sure you blow up the McCarty's house and not ours," I called from the kitchen.

"Dreamer, what did Santa bring you?" Carlisle asked with a weird high voice.

She looked over her shoulder and pulled the sucker from her mouth and said, "A beautiful…." She jumped up and ran over to see what Edward was watching on the camera's screen.

Esme came into the kitchen to see if I needed help, or maybe just to save herself from the bomb. She poured a cup of my Christmas coffee, which was just coffee with a candy cane in it to use as a stirrer. She handed me some envelopes with the kid's presents. They always gave money, because next to socks it was just what little kids wanted. We usually let the kids donate it to their favorite cause, but they don't have a charity for kids who trade shoes, so Budge's goes to the United Way.

We began setting the table and Esme was watching me closely, not the way Miss Titty used to watch me, but like she had something to say. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear anything square Esme had to say. She finally followed me to the pantry and blocked my way around her.

"Bella, may I ask you a question?"

"Do I have to answer it?" I asked.

"Well, it is a female question," she said.

"Oh, yes, I'm a female," I answered a bit pissed she didn't know it without asking.

"Have you ever felt, I'm a bit embarrassed, but I feel Carlisle is bored with me. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Are you saying boring stuff?" I asked, because it would be easy to fix if she would just stop.

"I'm talking about," she leaned in really close and whispered, "In bed."

Oh yeah, I bet Esme is really boring in bed, squares just can't go with the flow. I wonder how Edward, ah, learned his moves…no, I'm going to stop wondering because I could hear Sweet Home Alabama beginning to play in my head.

"Aren't you guys like…old?" I asked and saw tears in her eyes so I quickly gave her something to think about. "I just mean, how wild are you willing to get? Are you limber?"

"I just want to surprise him," she said and the perfect thing popped into my mine.

"Do it in his office chair," I said, "Edward, ah, loves that." I figured I either gave her something to work toward or I just killed my in-laws, either way I was good.

"Do you wear anything special?" she asked and I realized maybe that was what we were doing wrong, we needed special equipment for chair sex. I shook my head because it was true, but also because I didn't want them doing hotter stuff than us.

"Carlisle seems like he is always in control, take his control away," I suggested. "Tie him up or use handcuffs, hell, saddle him up and ride him like a wild stallion until he's a broken trail horse."

Esme laughed and I had to swallow down the bile from the images running through my head. It was ruining my holiday and when Carlisle walked into the kitchen with a pen in his mouth all I saw was a bridle bit and a bare ass.

My own parents finally showed up and my mom handed out shirts for the kids. Trooper's said, Grandma's All Star. Budge's said, Grandma's Little Stinker, and Dreamer's said, Grandma's Fairy Princess. She just had to get the word grandma onto them somehow. My dad gave the boys each a fishing pole and tackle box. He got Dreamer a Barbie fishing boat, the little bitch…Barbie, not Dreamer.

We all sat down to eat and Edward, ah, looked across the table at me and smiled with his Santa hat still on. "Are you happy, Bella?" he asked.

"No," I said and his eyes look stunned. "Happy isn't a big enough word. I'm glorifitastic."

He placed his hand on his heart and I blew him a kiss. I loved Christmas.

We all began to eat and the discussion turned to the two weeks we would be in Maui. The kids were staying with my parents and I worried about Budge being in the same house as my father's gun. I also hoped Trooper would let my mom be in charge some of the time. Dreamer would most likely not even realize she was somewhere else, but I wasn't sure how she would handle Edward, ah, being gone from her sight for that length of time.

Two days before the trip Rose picked me up for our magic stomach flattening drink session. We entered a small spa and I hoped they would do my nails as I sipped my drink. I changed into a robe and was placed on my side to listen to soothing music through ear phones.

I walked out of the spa with a vow to never speak of it to anyone. I think I paid for something people should be arrested for… and possibly just cheated on my husband.

We arranged to spend the night at the Cullens and catch an early flight from Seattle. Rose's kids were staying with her parents and they would stay the night with the Whitlocks in Seattle. Everything seemed good, until the day before we left.

Each kid had a suitcase packed and Budge had an extra case, with extra shoes, and an extra backpack. Trooper was acting moody, which was so odd for him. Budge was pouting because Edward, ah, made him leave all of his experiments at home. Dreamer was sitting in the middle of the floor with her blankie crying her eyes out.

"We'll be back in two short weeks," Edward, ah, said and Trooper scowled at him.

"Noooo," Dreamer wailed.

"You kids are acting like spoiled brats, your mother works very hard for you and she deserves a break," he said angrily. Oh crap, I'm going to have to give my trip to Trooper.

The phone rang and I answered to hear pretty Emma ask to speak to Trooper. I held out the phone and said, "Are you too grumpy to talk to pretty Emma?" He jumped from the chair he was slouched in and ran to take the phone from me. It suddenly made sense, Trooper was pissed he had to be away from pretty Emma for two weeks.

It was amazing how quickly his depression turned into joy and I realized in one month my little boy was going to be a teenager, so I better get used to his quickly changing moods. I took advantage of Trooper's distraction to give Budge a reason to smile.

I motioned for Budge to come with me and when we turned the corner I handed him two of his smoke bombs. He smiled widely and threw his arms around my waist. I knew Trooper would be disappointed in me, but Budge was my son, too. Next I coaxed Dreamer to come with me to my room. I pulled out my jewelry box and we both got distracted by the sparkles for a moment.

I finally got my bracelet and held it up to show Dreamer. "Honey, this is all about daddy. See, here is his heart, and the diamond is his soul. Here's a bit of driftwood for the club and here is our house. Look at this tiny ballerina; it stands for you when you were born. And see this cloud, it keeps daddy out of the harsh sun so he can open his eyes wide and look at you."

Her eyes were mesmerized and her tiny hand reached out to took the bracelet from my hand. "You keep that until daddy comes home, okay?"

She nodded and hugged it tightly. I took it from her hand and pulled her sweatshirt down and fastened the bracelet around the thick sleeve. She ran with a big smile to find Edward, ah. The kids were all smiling now so we headed off to Forks to drop them at my parents. It was a kiss and run in case their moods turned again.

We took the ferry to the Cullen's house and got there just in time for dinner. We walked into the great smelling house and Edward, ah, took our bags upstairs. I headed to the kitchen to see what smelled so good and found Esme cooking with a cast on her wrist.

"What happened?" I asked and began planning what I was going to write on it as she mumbled something. I would have to wait until Edward, ah, asked her to find out what happened since I missed it. I stuck my finger in her garlic potatoes, and she smacked my hand.

Edward, ah, and Carlisle came to the dining room and I helped Esme carry the food to the table. Edward, ah, jumped up and took the platter of pork chops from his mom when he saw her cast. "Did you break your arm, mom?" he asked.

"I broke my wrist," she said and didn't elaborate. I glanced at Carlisle and his jaw was so tight I actually wondered if she shit without his permission and he punished her.

"Bella can you grab a bottle of wine from the bar," she asked me and I nodded. I headed to the family room and passed Carlisle's office to see a broken chair lying next to the door. I ran back to the dining room and asked loudly, "Did you break your wrist having chair sex?"

Poor square Esme turned bright red and Carlisle quickly lit a cigarette. "Don't be embarrassed," I begged them. "I almost killed Edward, ah, with my vagina when we first tried it."

"Bella," Edward, ah, called out and shook his head back and forth vehemently, telling me this conversation needed to stay in my head.

But this was just too big to keep contained. "Damn, I'm proud of you both, Esme broke the chair and Carlisle broke Esme, you guys rock."

And with that, my square in-laws began to laugh, but I had to come up with a much better line to write on the cast, maybe….You_ got bucked while getting effed_…maybe not.


	10. Chapter 10

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 10

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 10

We arrived at the airport bright and early so most of the airline workers were walking like zombies, but I was psyched for my trip and in a great mood. I was greeting everyone cheerfully as I checked my bags and made my way through security. Everyone just groaned at me and I was pulled to the side and scanned with a wand.

"Does your bra have a wire?" a woman in a uniform asked and I was getting pretty tired of policewomen hitting on me.

"Yes," I admitted, "Two of them."

"Two," she asked.

"Yes, I have two breasts don't I?" Man, now she's staring at my breasts, I should have stuck with the one wire. She finally looked back at my eyes and let me go.

I held Edward's, ah, hand as we walked to our gate to find Jasper and Alice talking to Rose and Fezzik. I was wearing my Hawaiian dress with my flower earrings and flip flops, but the other girls were still in winter wear.

"Oh Belly, you look so cute," Rose said and I twirled in my tiny dress.

Alice turned to Rose and said, "Come on, let's go find something summery to wear."

"There's nothing here," Rose said, "We'll have to wait until we land in Maui."

Both women kept looking at my outfit with envy and I was so proud of my dress for stepping up when it was called upon. We boarded the flight and we all stared at the row of seats, not sure who should sit where.

"I need an aisle seat," Embutt said, since his body was too big for a 747.

"So do I," Edward, ah, said, since his perfect legs were so long.

I began making my way down the row of seats as Emmett walked around to the other aisle. Rose was behind me, than Alice, Jasper and finally, Edward, ah. I realized it would put me directly next to Emmett, so I kept on going right out of the row and circled back to the other side again.

Edward, ah, looked at me with confusion and said, "I need the aisle."

"I know," I said and tried to make my way over the top of his long legs. He reached out to help me by placing his hand up my dress and goosing me right in my Hawaiian grass.

I screamed and fell forward right on top of Jasper, who had raised his hands to stop me but got a handful of my cheap boobs. His face looked stunned and I could see his eyes widen beyond the sunglasses he was wearing. "Ah apohlogize," he said with his thick accent and I bet he wouldn't be sorry if it had been Jill giving him a free grope.

"I think Bella just joined the mile high club with both Edward and Jasper," Alice teased. Now I know how she joined it, and it was nothing like I expected.

I got settled in between Alice and Rose and pulled out my DVD player. Edward, ah, put on a sleep mask, Rose put in her ipod buds, Alice and Jasper whispered to each other, and Emmett read a muscle magazine. It was so cliché, like a nun sitting on a plane reading the Bible.

My movie ended and I glanced at my watch, crap, we still had five hours. I looked around the plane for something to do. I finally leaned over Alice's lap and yelled, "Edward, ah."

He only stirred and continued sleeping.

"What do ya need?" Jasper asked.

"I'm bored," I said with a sigh.

"Ya wanna magahzine?" he asked.

"No," I said and looked around again.

"Bella," Emmett called to me and I turned in his general direction. "Do you want to play a game?"

"What game?" I asked.

"A card game, you have to pay in either drinks or kisses. I have some Quervo and we'll get some lemonade to mix with it from the flight attendant."

"So I won't have to actually kiss you," I asked.

"Not if you're willing to take a drink instead."

"Okay," I said and he pulled out his deck of cards and gave Rose five and me five. I tried to understand the game, but I was lost. Rose would peak at my cards for me and tell me if I had to take a drink. She lost as much as I did, but she kissed the monster instead of taking a shot.

I was getting loud and laughing at the stupidest things…like at Emmett. He seemed to win every hand and I couldn't figure out why. I heard Edward, ah, wake up and ask what was going on. "Shhh," I spit. "I'm cencontrating."

Jasper said something southern and Edward quickly traded Alice places, tucking his long legs into the small space. "Damn it, Em," he said and pulled the cards from my hand.

"No, I am playing cards," I said and reached for them.

"It's a fake game, Bella. He's just getting you drunk," Edward, ah, explained.

I looked at Rose and she laughed, but the joke was on her, she was kissing him. I turned back to look at Edward, ah, and smiled at him. "You are so pretty," I sighed.

"You are so drunk," he laughed.

"You know what?" I said getting a sudden brilliant idea. "I think we could handle these chairs." I tried to reach the zipper on my dress and he pushed my hand away. I giggled loudly. "Oh yeah, I'm wearing a dress, I'll just sit on your dangler."

"Go for it, Belly," Emmett said to encourage me.

I unhooked my seatbelt but Edward, gah, quickly put it right back into the lock. "Go to sleep, Bella," he whispered.

"Are you going to do something to me while I sleep?" I asked him.

"Yes, now close your eyes."

I smiled with a huge grin and said, "Don't let Emmett do anything because I don't take the pills."

"I won't let him touch you, love," my king said.

I closed my eyes and the plane kicked into sonic speed because two minutes later Edward, ah, was shaking me to wake up. I opened my eyes and the plane rolled to the side causing me to gasp and grab the arm rests.

"Come on, Bella, lean on me," Edward said, and I tried to stand. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to his body as he walked behind me almost carrying me off the plane.

There were women in grass skirts shaking their money makers and someone put a lei around my neck. "Hi, Eric," I said but he didn't reply.

Rose appeared in front of me and handed me a large muffin. "Here, eat this," she said.

"Aw," I exclaimed. "Rose is giving me her muffin. I love you, Rose."

Everyone laughed so I pulled off a piece and held it up to Edward's, ah, mouth. "I'll share Rose's muffin with you."

"No, I'm good," he chuckled and I quickly ate the bite I offered him.

Alice and Rose ran off to change while Edward, ah, and me waited for the guys to come pick us up with the rental car. I had on sunglasses and every time a palm tree swayed I almost fell down. I remember the car pulling to the curb, but everything past that point was a blur until I woke up in a beautiful suite overlooking the ocean.

I called out for Edward, ah, and nobody answered. I looked over the balcony and couldn't see anyone familiar so I got my key card and walked around the resort by myself. The longer I searched for someone the angrier I got. I was ready to kill Emmett when I heard someone call my name. I spun around to see Alice running toward me.

"Oh my God, Bella, you will not believe who is here," she said in a fast sentence.

"I'm too hung over to guess," I said.

"Edward's first wife's entire family," she said and watched my face to catch the WTF expression.

"Does he know?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, he ran into them while he was carrying you over his shoulder up to the room," she laughed and I felt a bit sick. Instead of being politely introduced as Edward's, ah, faithful wife, they got a look at my ass while passed out drunk. I wanted Emmett's head on a platter.

"Where's Edward, ah?"

"He's in the hotel bar," she said and pointed in the opposite direction. I walked with her as my body begged me not to head into a bar. I worried about dragging Edward, ah, up to the room drunk and had to keep wiping my tears as we walked.

I looked around the room for my guy but I didn't see him anywhere. He suddenly appeared from the door behind the bar with the manager. He was laughing and conversing without even a drink in his hand. I guess I was the only drunk in the family.

When he saw me he ended the conversation and headed over to see me. He smiled and gave me a hug. Where was his resentment for running into his ex's family? He acted like he was in paradise or something. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"A bit buzzed and ready to hang Emmett on a spit with an apple in his mouth."

"We're going to go to dinner soon, do you want to change?" he asked. I looked down at my wrinkled dress and wondered what my hair looked like.

"I hear there are some familiar people here?" I said and he rolled his eyes.

"It's fine Bella, it really is. That was a different lifetime." It wasn't really what I meant, but I didn't want to have this conversation in the middle of the hotel bar while I was still a bit loopy, well, drunk.

"Okay, let's get changed," I said and pulled him toward our room.

We both showered and I felt a lot more sober when we left the room to meet the others. I was sporting another Hawaiian dress with open toed heels and Edward, ah, looked gorgeous in gauze pants with a tan tee.

"Look who woke up," Emmett said loudly and I reached out and twisted his nipple until he yelled in pain.

We went to Ruth Chris Steakhouse and ordered food and drinks. I went really easy on the drinks, but Edward, ah, was enjoying the vacation by getting a bit inebriated. After dinner we took a walk along the ocean. It was dark with just the light of the moon. The warm surf licked our legs as we carried our shoes and walked arm in arm.

"Do you think people really have sex in the sand?" I asked my three sheets to the wind guy.

"I bet they have it on the sand, not in the sand," he corrected me, because even drunk he was pretty much perfect. "Do you want to have sex on the sand?"

"We don't have a towel or blanket," I pointed out, but if he leaned on me any further we would be lying on the sand anyway.

He looked around and finally pointed to some lounge chairs. I wasn't sure if Maui was ready for some sand pounding profanity coming from the dark shore but Edward, ah, pulled me toward the chairs. He laid down first and then pulled me onto him. He was in full water mode, sporting a high hard one. Hey, I speak southern.

He kissed me passionately and I was pretty much climbing his body like Alain Robert climbs a building. He was breathing hard and moaned loudly in the darkness when he said, "Oh yeah, Tanya."

Screech….A tsunami could have hit me head on and it would have had less of an impact than Edward's, effer, words. I pushed off of him and his arm reached out for me. "Bella, some back," he said.

I knew he was drunk, and he carried my drunken ass to the room earlier so I had to reciprocate, but if he thought he was getting any mahi mahi from mommy mommy, he was smoking Kava, or drinking Kava, or whatever the hell you do with Kava.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him up. "Wait, aren't we getting busy?" he asked and gave me a smile that would have lubed even dried up Rose.

"We already did," I said and led him toward the resort.

"We had sex?" he asked with a shocked voice.

"Yep, and I was amazing, but you kind of dropped the ball," I said angrily.

He looked down at his boys and said, "What happened to my balls?"

"I'm gonna remove them with a letter opener when we get to our room." I wouldn't actually cut them off, but I would scare them into hiding so far up his ass he would be singing soprano.

"Did I pound on anything?" he asked.

"Yeah, twice," I lied, because I had really planned on making him pound twice, so I would let him think he missed it…twice.

"I'm the man," he yelled into the air, gloating over imaginary sex like only a drunken man can.

"You're a dead man," I said under my breath.


	11. Chapter 11

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 11

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 11

I woke up in the bed as Edward, effer, snored loudly in the other room near the couch. I didn't actually place him on the couch, but I was kind enough to put him near it. I was suddenly so insecure and I knew it was because Emjerk made Rose's vagina dry up. I felt old and my still gorgeous husband was pushing every button I had.

Maybe if I told Edward, effer, how I was feeling he would be willing to ugly up a bit. If he shaved his gorgeous hair, pulled a tooth or two, gained fifty pounds, he could be ugly….kind of.

I also knew I was being ridiculous to be jealous of a dead woman, it wasn't like she could want him back and draw pictures of him doing his mother on my garage, but her name came out of his mouth and that was enough to send me over the edge.

I put on my orange swimsuit, a long flowing cover up, a floppy hat, and headed out into paradise by myself. I stepped over my drooling, snoring, drunk of a husband, after locking the bathroom door from the inside and shutting it, and made my way to the pool. I wasn't sure why the resort had a pool when the Pacific Ocean was just a few feet further, but I surmised it was for angry spouse to stew by.

I pulled off my flowing dress and laid out my towel before noticing how tan the other stewers were. My Washington skin blinded some captains out at sea and they had to change course. A young Polynesian man approached me and offered some complimentary sun block. I thought he meant it would make me look better, but he meant it was free.

I agreed and held my hand out for a squirt or two, but he put it in his own hand and began rubbing it on my arm. I glanced around to see if anyone was taking pictures to give Edward, effer, of me getting a rubbing by a cabana boy.

"I can do it," I told him and hoped it didn't only speak Hawaiian.

"It's a service offered by the resort," he said in perfect English.

"So they pay you to put sunscreen on women, like all day?" I asked and wondered why Jake, barf, wasn't working here.

"It is not as pleasant as you would think. We get many older visitors," he complained and I wanted to ram the lotion up his ass, "Plus the male guest."

"You have to lotion up the men?" I asked with wide eyes and then wondered why Eric wasn't working here.

Oh man, I knew exactly how to make Edward, effer, pay for calling me his dead first wife. "Are you working all day?" I asked.

"Yes, it's early, but the pool area usually fills by noon."

"Are you allowed to receive tips?" I asked.

"Yes, we are," he told me and now I realized why he was taking his time on my legs.

"I'll be here most of the day," I said, "but I only want you to, you know, apply things to me, okay?"

"It would be my pleasure," he said with a big smile and I felt like I just propositioned one of Trooper's friends.

"And when my husband comes out make sure he is really covered because he is fair skinned."

"Of course," he said with a hint of disappointment.

I let my head fall back and enjoyed the application process, until his hand went under the weird swath of material on my stomach. My eyes shot open and I raised my head to say, "Okay there buddy, I'm not delivering a baby so move on."

He grinned like the naughty boy he was and left me to simmer in my stew. We had been in Hawaii less than twenty four hours and I had been drunk off my ass, Edward, effer, had been drunk off his ass, and we were in a huge fight. Well, I was in a fight, Edward, effer, was most likely pissing in a corner because he couldn't get into the bathroom.

A group of women laid out towels on the lounge chairs next to me and quickly ordered Mimosas. They were catty and talking about every person who crossed their path, and not in pleasant terms. I listened as they laughed at a heavy older woman and tried to slowly cover my ass with my cover up in case they decided to turn their heads to the left and comment on the beached whale, wait, Emmett wasn't here.

"I'm so bored," one of the women complained.

"Go find Edward," another teased and my head spun to the right.

"He did look good, and obviously doesn't mind screwing a woman when she's passed out," the first one laughed, "Although, he never did mind."

They all laughed and I was boiling in my stew. Not only were they talking disrespectful of my King, but also their dead sister.

"You never should have let Tanya take him from you, Kate."

Wait, halt, back up. Kate had Edward, effer, first? What the hell was wrong with my guy that made him constantly pick the wrong women? The list was constantly growing, Analise, Kate, Tanya, Jessica. I now realized if I was in the Sahara Desert the Bedouin passing by would most likely have a daughter who screwed over my hubby.

"Look at that woman," I heard them say and glanced over to see Rose walking toward me. "You know she's had work done."

"Get the name of her surgeon," Kate whispered as Rose walked right past them in her teeny tiny bikini.

"Isn't this great," Rose said to me and I grinned from ear to ear and nodded. Even dried up she was hotter than any of Tanya's family. It wasn't like it was a competition, but we won.

"The guys are going snorkeling, but I told them we'll hang out at the pool. Did your room get fixed; Edward had to pee in our room."

The twisted sisters were quiet and I knew they were listening. "We got a little wild last night and broke the door," I lied because there was no way in hell I was admitting he called me sis.

"Believe me I know how wild Edward gets, I've heard it often," Rose said and I just loved her so much.

Lotion boy showed up and Rose dismissed him, insisting she had her own but he winked at me before walking away and I really hope Kate caught it. Tiny Alice came walking toward us with some flip flops that had huge heels. Her short hair was in cute spikes and she wore a visor to shade her eyes. She glanced at the women next to me and her eyes got big.

She sat on the end of my chaise and mouthed, "That's Edward's ex's family."

Rose faked a stretch and glanced over at them, quickly moving her eyes away from their stares. "I know," I said in my normal voice.

We were all silent, sitting right next to each other trying to act like we weren't all silent sitting right next to each other. I finally turned and said, "I'm Bella Cullen."

The woman right next to me turned bright red and said, "I'm Sasha, and this is my sister Kate and my mother Carmen."

"I'm sorry about Tanya," I offered and they all nodded.

"So are you the woman he married so soon after Tanya died?" the bitchy Kate asked.

"Hell no, I'm not a whore," I said to defend myself and throw my husband under the bus. Although I wasn't sure my statement could remove the picture of my drunken body tossed over Edward's, ah, shoulder from their minds.

At that moment our guys were walking toward us carrying snorkeling gear. I wanted to warn Edward, effer, but I also wanted to see his reaction to Kate, since her name might come from his mouth next. He had on dark glasses and walked with his head down so he didn't even notice his ex in-laws right next to me.

He leaned over to give me a kiss and asked softly, "What did I do?"

I pointed with my finger and said, "Her, apparently."

He glanced up and I heard the quick gasp of breath he took. "Ah shit," he moaned and I moved my legs so he could sit.

"Hi, Edward," Kate called out and he only rose one hand and gave her a quick wave over his head.

"Unbelievable," he said to Jasper and Emmett.

"We're going to be gone most of the morning, let's meet up for lunch," Emmett said and I nudged Edward, effer, with my toe. He looked over at me and pulled his glasses down so I could see his eyes.

"Welcome to paradise," I laughed.

"Next time I have an idea like this, tell me to shove it," he said and followed the other guys toward the ocean.

We were sitting in close proximity and had to converse now that we had so much in common. I looked at Kate and said, "You had Edward, effer, first?"

She laughed and explained, "I met him at a sorority party. He had a lot more in common with my sister so I set them up. He was a bit…tame for me."

Rose laughed loudly and said, "If Edward is tame you must be a dominatrix." I didn't know playing dominoes could affect your sex life, but Rose would know since Emmett must play every night, no wonder she needs a pill to get excited.

"Maybe he has changed," Kate offered.

"Hell yeah he's changed," Rose said and I stuck my hands out to block both of their faces.

"Excuse me, but it is my husband you're talking about. If anyone is going to vouch for his wall pounding profanity it will be me." I looked at Kate and said, "He's a freaking sex god."

"Well, it was nice meeting you," she said and the group gathered their things and left, obviously not worthy to be in the presence of a god. Alice laughed and jumped up and down on her chair, enjoying the fact she got to see another confrontation with a second one of Edward's, effer, ex's.

"Are you jealous?" Rose asked.

"No," I said angrily and she laughed and shook her finger at me.

"You better have your hormones checked."

What did my being jealous have to do with Jessica moaning? I was beginning to worry about Rose's sanity; it must be a menopausal thing.

Body butter boy returned and used half a squirt on Alice's entire body. He kept us hydrated and lubed…topically, until our guys returned. As soon as Edward, effer, took the seat Sasha had been using I waved over the lotion lad.

"Sir," he said to Edward, effer, because he looked older than eighteen, "You appear to be getting too much sun. Would you like some complementary sunscreen?"

"Sure," he answered and held out his hand. The man filled his own hand and reached out for Edward's, effer, chest.

"Hey, dude, what are you doing?" he said with his weird high voice he used with Eric.

"It is a free service; you can't see your own back or neck."

"Honey, let the boy do you," I said and tried not to laugh.

"No really, I'm not comfortable with you touching me," my guy said and seemed to sink lower into the chair.

"Oh I think he should cover your entire body and I also think you're going to let him, because last night you called me Tanya. So, if he wants to cover you inside and out you're going shut up and enjoy it."

"Bella, I was drunk. I had run into the Denali's and trying not to pack up and leave, it was a Freudian slip, that's all."

"Well, I only saw them in swimsuits so I didn't get to see their slips, but you called me the name of your first wife and I have never called you Felix."

"Who's Felix?"

Dang it all to heck, I just can't keep my mouth shut; now I have to tell him about the man who proposed to me before he did…both times. I glared over at Emmett and wanted to stick thumb tacks in his dimples. It wasn't his fault I mentioned Felix; I just wanted to feel better by hurting him.

"I forgive you, let's get lunch," I said quickly and began to gather my things.

Poor grease guy was stuck with a palm full of cream and nowhere to put it. Edward, ah, walked with his snorkeling gear covering both the front and back of his swimming trunks.


	12. Chapter 12

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 12

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 12

We decided to drive into Lahaina for lunch. Jasper drove, because his eyes were used to staring for long stretches. Rose and her Thing sat in the middle seats and Edward, ah, and I sat in the very back. He was trying everything to make it up to me and get the holiday back on track.

I stared out the window at the ocean as he played with my hair and whispered sweet things into my ear like, "Being here with you makes the island so much more beautiful." But I heard, "I am in such deep shit I better butter you up."

When his sweet talk didn't work he finally whispered, "Tell me about Felix."

"You can spread more butter on me," I offered quickly.

"Was he a kid from school?"

I shook my head and hoped my lack of speech would make him lose interest.

"What did he do for a living?" he asked.

"I don't know, we only dated for a year," I said and rolled my eyes. Did he think I was the guy's mother or something?

"You dated a guy for a year and didn't know what he did for a living?"

"I didn't know what I did for a living," I pointed out, "Why would I know what he did?"

"Was it casual?"

"Sometimes, but we dressed up, too."

"Why did it end?" he asked, tired of getting nowhere with his stupid questions about our clothing.

"He wanted me to change," I said sadly and tried not to look at Edward's, ah, face. "I bought him an apple for his birthday because new ones were released. I picked the biggest, reddest one I could find, but he laughed and threw it into the road."

I looked to see if Edward, ah, was laughing but he looked sad, too. "I didn't know he meant a computer," I said softly.

He reached out and touched my lip with his finger and spoke as he ran it back and forth on my mouth. "I would have loved the apple. I would have eaten it gratefully and thanked God you bought it for me."

"Felix asked me to marry him," I confessed.

"Why didn't you?" he asked and I could tell he was feeling pain from the thought of it.

"I like me," I said, "I didn't want to change."

"I like you, too, and I'm so happy you didn't change."

"I'm sorry I locked the bathroom door," I whispered and he smiled softly.

"That was you?"

"I'm just like my sisters sometimes, it's hereditary."

He kissed me several times with short, sweet kisses, "I forgive you."

And just like that our vacation finally began. We walked though the shops of Lahaina hand in hand, constantly hugging and kissing like we were on our honeymoon. We fed each other coconut shrimp and shared the same straw in a drink. We pretty much acted disgusting, but since Emmett was with us I doubted anyone noticed.

The days were filled with swimming, sightseeing, hiking, and playing golf…although I just drove the cart and kissed Edward's, ah, balls for good luck…his golf balls. We took the helicopter ride which I spent huddled into my guy's chest, and then had to help Alice barf into a bag when she landed. I doubt she joined any club on this ride regardless of how tiny and doable she was.

The first week passed quickly and we were all excited about attending our first luau. It wasn't like the cliché goal party with fake dancers and plastic leis, this was authentic right down to the roasted pig…yeah I was upset too that it wasn't Emmett.

We were a bit late because I had to run back to the room to change when I realized you were supposed to wear the coconut bra _over _your swimsuit. Good thing too, because those suckers are really itchy and not even the stealthy casual bicep brush to the boobs could scratch that itch.

The torches were lit and music began, as beautiful women shaking their hips surrounded us mainlanders. I stared in awe as their top halves remained perfectly still while their bottom halves shimmied. I hadn't seen talent like that since Jessica took her science final with Jared Carter hiding under her desk.

A man finally came out with a huge fire baton and swallowed it halfway down his throat…I miss Eric. He blew accelerant from his mouth and the fire shot into the air as the oil dripped disgustingly down his chin…I don't miss James.

When a pretty girl was asked to pick an audience member she came right after Edward, ah. He shook his head but her shakers were more convincing, so he followed her to the middle of the sand and she placed her hands on his hips. The music began and they shook their pelvises together, somewhere in the world Sues was crying.

For comic relief a large Hawaiian woman came into the crowd and pulled Emmett up to dance with her. Her large belly bounced into him as her entire body shook to the beat. He laughed and shimmied up behind her, placing his hands on her massive hips and basically Hawaiian humping as everyone laughed. I didn't laugh, I wanted her to sit him in a chair and whack him in the head with her aloha.

We stuffed ourselves with food and drink and I knew I would be power walking with Rose for weeks. The luau ended and we hung around on the beach next to a bon fire. It was romantic and we were all getting a bit worked up…good thing Rose had her pills.

Eventually we each wandered off to be alone. Edward, ah, and I stumbled onto a small shack with kayaks piled next to it. "This looks fun, we'll have to rent some," he said but I had other plans.

"Honey, look," I said and pointed to the chair behind the rental desk.

He smiled and looked back at the kayaks. "I have an idea," he said and pulled the chair out into the night and stacked some boats underneath it so it couldn't tip. "Okay, Bella, if anyone walks up, and I mean anyone, you stay put."

I nodded and pulled off my short shorts and my Hawaiian panties Edward, ah, got me for Christmas. He lowered his pants, but not nearly as far as usual and got into the chair. The seat reclined and I got aboard, swearing to myself I would remained leaning back. We were doing this, it was working, and it was freaking hot. I kind of wished I had the fire stick, since I was managing the hula, I was sure I could breathe fire too.

Edward, ah, refrained from pounding anything but his head arched back and boy you should have heard his words. I prayed there weren't any dolphins close to shore to see what animals we were. My feet dug into the sand and my toes curled into impressive digging utensils. My chair loving guy pulled me ever so gently toward him and once my entire weight was on him we both took a deep breath and smiled.

I let my hands run up his face, through his hair and into a full stretch causing them to bump the kayaks. They crumbled like a row of bowling pins, crashing in a thunderous sound that echoed along the beach. We teetered precariously for half a second and then tipped over into the sand. I managed to steer clear of his face this time, but his poor damp dangler landed right into the sand as my ass landed in a kayak.

A light shined in our eyes and we looked up to see a very angry security guard. Edward, ah, pulled his pants up quickly sending the sand deeper into his crevices. I couldn't move if I wanted to, I was securely stuck inside the kayak.

"We weren't stealing anything," Edward, ah, told the man with the flashlight.

"I think it is pretty obvious what you were doing," the man said without even a hint of a smile.

"We'll fix the mess," Edward, ah said and stood.

"I need you to leave," I said to the security guard.

He turned his attention to me and said with a no nonsense tone, "I will be escorting you off the beach."

"Oh, um…then can you toss me my panties," I asked him and tried to wiggle free, but I couldn't.

Edward, ah, quickly reached for the bottom half of my clothing and I held my hand out for him to pull me up. He reached for my hand and I quickly pulled it back and turned to the guard. "Can you look away, I don't wax."

The news must of upset him because he turned off his light and walked away, leaving us to restack the kayaks and escort ourselves off the beach. I was done with chair sex forever and just grateful I wasn't wearing a cast on my ass abrasion.

Chair sex was for squares anyway.

When we gathered for breakfast the next day Edward, ah, told the group about seeing kayaks we could rent. Jasper and Emdoof were excited, but Rose and Alice weren't interested. We decided they would go shopping and the rest of us would kayak to a small island offshore and snorkel.

We put on our suits and met up on the beach at the kayak shack. I pretended it was the first time I had ever seen a kayak in my life…in the daytime anyway.

The kid running the counter, sitting in our sex chair looked us all up and down and said, "He's got to go with her." He pointed at me and Emmett.

"Why?" I yelled loudly, "I mean, why?"

"The surf is really choppy this morning so we need to even out the weight of the boat with the ability of the rowers. You don't look like you can row much," he said and I tried to decide if I should go with the girls instead.

"Is it safe to go out?" Jasper asked, since he was aristocratic and worried about continuing the line.

"Yeah, you'll have to row hard and fight the cross current. You don't want to be pulled out to sea. If it was just women I wouldn't let you go, but you guys should be find. The surf will calm by noon. But don't row toward the whales, you'll be fined."

I couldn't row toward the whales since one was doing the actual rowing.

We got everything ready when Emmett said, "I need to go take a dump, you guys head out and we'll catch up."

Rowing anywhere with Emmett was not going to be pleasant, but I was a bit relieved he dumped before the trip and not during. I handed my snorkel stuff to Edward, ah, and he picked up Emmuck's, too. I gave him a kiss and watched several men fight the waves to get the guys past the breaking point. Edward, ah, waved to me and I sighed as he rowed away.

Emmett came running back to the beach after twenty minutes with a big smile, "Lighter and leaner," he said and I refrained from pointing out he was still full of shit.

The kid handed me a paddle and Emmett took it from my hand and gave it back. "Look at her arms, she'll only end up hitting me with the damn thing," he said and I so wanted to hit him with the damn thing.

I climbed into the boat as the waves crashed around us. It took Emmett several tries to haul his huge muscled ass into the small space and we were pushed into the current. Emmett began rowing like mad and it felt a bit like sailing for me.

I glanced back to see we were far from the shore in only a few minutes. The island still looked so far away and I hoped Emmett's muscles could hold out. It grew silent the further we got from shore, except for Emmett's grunting as he moved the ore back and forth over his body.

I was being all one with nature and enjoying the ride when I heard a loud cracking sound and Emmett exclaim, "Oh hell."

I glanced back to see him holding a broken ore, just the stick end, and our forward movement stopped as a strong pull to the side began moving us in a different direction. I looked with panicked eyes at the island moving further away from us and nothing but open water in front of me.

"Oops," Emmett said with a chuckle.

I reached for the broken ore to impale him with, but he held it high over my head and the kayak rocked and threatened to tip.

"Take off your shirt," he said and my mouth dried up…along with other places.

"Don't you touch me or my father will shoot you," I threatened, although being touched by Emmett would make me beg him to shoot me, too.

"I need your white shirt for a flag," he explained.

Oh, I pulled it from my body and watched as he tied it to the ore and raised it into the air. I saw how fast we were being pulled away from any land and got scared and angry.

"This is exactly why I hate you so much, Emmett," I said harshly.

His smile fell and he looked almost stunned when he said, "Seriously…you hate me, I didn't know you hated me?"


	13. Chapter 13

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 13

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 13

How in the world could Emmett not know of my loathing for him? It wasn't a secret; I had been quite vocal about it over the years. …at least in my own head I had been quite vocal. Well, it was time to get it out of my head and onto the table, or in our case into the kayak.

Before I could launch into my hatred rant he said with a very hurt voice, "You're one of my best friends, Bella. You got me the job with the Forks police department and I delivered your baby. We're neighbors for god sake. How could you hate me?"

"You broke our kitchen chair," I began with. It sounded trivial but I was only getting started.

But he refuted issue number one. "I bought the damn table set and told Rose the one chair was tentative," he responded and I was stunned…by the use of the word tentative, oh and the fact he bought the table set.

"You ate our food all the time," I continued on.

"I shopped with Rose and paid for the food, since I would be eating it all the time," he said adamantly. "I never even kept food at my place."

Oh shit, I ate his food all the time.

"You farted constantly," I said knowing I was right on this one.

He smiled with his deep dimples and leaned to the side to give me an example of the topic. "It's normal, don't tell me you don't fart," he laughed.

Oh my God, I was lost at sea, my last moments were with Emmett and he just farted in my boat. I was surely going to hell. "You're disgusting," I mumbled because I refused to admit I actually did fart on occasion.

He suddenly grew serious and said, "Belly, do you remember the night we first met? I was with my buddy Riley and we took you and Rose to a party... I was interested in you, not Rose."

_Dear God, please send a boat to find us and strike me deaf, Amen._

"Rose seemed too high maintenance and you were fun and down to earth. You were the life of the party and had everyone laughing," he continued with. "I thought we had more in common."

Why did men think women found the words 'low maintenance' a compliment? It only meant they wouldn't have to try too hard, and wouldn't be too upset if we dumped them…for not trying too hard. He didn't want Rose because she was so damn pretty he didn't feel he had a chance with her, I wasn't buying the lie he was selling.

"I don't recall you kicking her out of your bed," I pointed out.

"I tried, but she told me you liked Riley, and kicked her out of the bed so you could sleep with him."

"Oh hell no," I yelled and was going to give it to Rose when I saw her…not what I gave to Riley, I mean a good tongue lashing…okay, what I gave to Riley. "She wanted you and said she was in love, I tried to stop her."

His mouth pulled into a grin and he said, "Really, she wanted me? Why did you try to stop her, because you wanted me, too?"

I threw my hands into the air and groaned loudly from the audacity of this man. I realized we were fighting over something that happened eighteen years ago, but I needed him to understand I was not harboring a crush for him. "I most certainly, absolutely, irrefutably, did not want you."

"Why?" he asked.

"What?" Did he miss the whole, I hate you, rant.

"Why didn't you want me? I'm talking about years ago because Rose rules my universe with her sweet ass, but girls always wanted me, why didn't you?"

I needed a pen and paper to being a list, but the words that sprang from my mouth shocked me. "You took Rose away from me."

He chuckled and then sat quiet for a moment before saying, "Rose isn't gay." I could tell he didn't have a clue what I was talking about and trying to think through the years to find my meaning.

"She was my best friend and then she became your best friend. I had to hold her when you left and listen to her cry. Yeah, I know now you were in the military, but at the time she cried so hard and I didn't know why." I continued on with my epiphany as he sat silently, most likely holding in his gas. "When you were around we were no longer Rose and Bella, it was Rose and Emmett, oh yeah, and Bella. I became the afterthought. Plus you called me Belly like she did."

He smiled as he thought back to when life was just the three of us.

"I was so glad she had you while I was on tour…"

"You were in a band?" I asked with surprise.

"No, tour of duty in Iraq," he explained. "You made her happy and I knew she wouldn't be sitting home all depressed, she would be laughing with you. I thought delivering Trooper was the least I could do after everything you did for me."

"Well, it doesn't make up for killing me," I said and waved my arm at the open ocean.

We were adrift for several minutes as we each worked through our thoughts. I had hated this man for so many years and I had absolutely no reason for it. I was jealous he dated my best friend and it simply grew from there. I was conditioned to see the worst in him without any real cause and it made me start to cry.

"Don't cry Belly, they'll look for us," he said and now I really began to bawl.

What if we weren't found and Kate got to console Edward, ah. He would most likely propose to her and she would use all of his money for plastic surgery. Trooper would be stuck raising my kids, without my bits of help and Budge would most likely kill Kate with one of his experiments…that parts okay, since Dreamer would never let anyone else have her daddy, anyway.

Soon the heat began to bother me. I sure could use my cabana boy right now. I pulled my hair from hits pony tail to cover my shoulder and Emmett began to squirm.

"Belly, I need to straighten my legs, but if we tip there is no way I can get back in the kayak and there is no way you can pull me up.

"So what do you want me to do?" I asked.

"You'll have to lean back against my chest so my legs can extend forward."

"You want me to snuggle with you?" I said in anger thinking he was trying to hook up with me since I still wasn't high maintenance.

"Well, it is that or my legs are going right under your ass," he said with his own anger.

I had a bit of a situation going on myself and wasn't sure what to do about it. Since I was certain we would most likely die anyway I asked Emmett for a suggestion. "I need to pee," I said.

He thought for a moment and finally said, "Okay, you'll have to stand very slowly and turn around. I'll hold onto you and you'll have to squat onto the front of the boat."

"I can't get clear to the end," I said.

"I know, you'll have to piss on the plastic, but the angle of the kayak will drain it into the ocean."

"Can't I just get in the ocean?" I asked with tears. Giving birth was awful enough, but now I had to pee in front of him.

"We can't chance being tipped over," he said and I knew with my history we were absolutely going to be tipped over. It was a certainty every time I removed my pants.

"I can't pee on the boat in front of you," I said feeling very emotional.

"Well, I am going to pee on the boat in front of you, so deal with it," he said as he tried to use my anger to buoy me.

I stared at the small hump in front of where I was sitting and finally decided I would pee on the boat, but I was keeping my swimsuit on and use the ocean water to splash onto me when I finished. I slowly turned around and Emmett took me by the forearms and helped me stand. I backed up until my body was over the hump and sat back down.

"Okay, go," he instructed as he continued to hold my arms.

My bladder got stage fright and nothing.

"Are you done?" he asked.

"Shhh, I can't concentrate," I yelled at him.

"Are you taking a piss or a shit?" he asked with fear on his face.

"Stop talking," I yelled loudly and closed my eyes, but my bursting bladder wouldn't give it up as I sat on a boat in my swimsuit. I tried to imagine a big waterfall or sprinklers going off in a yard…nope nothing.

"My arms are getting tired," he said with irritation.

"Do you want me to get back in and pee all over inside the boat?" I doubted I could actually do it, but the threat sounded good.

"It's better than sitting on the edge all day," he yelled back at me.

I tried to think back on how I potty trained Dreamer and I finally said, "Sing to me."

"What?" he asked like we weren't just inches apart.

"Sing to me, so I can pee," I demanded.

"Um okay," he said and used the melody to _The Farmer in the Dell_. "Piss on the boat, Piss on the boat, High Ho I'll kick your ass if you don't piss on the boat."

I tried to ignore him but he launched into, Rehab by Amy Winehouse. "Emmett tried to make me take a piss, I said No, no, no."

I began to laugh and it was just the slight pressure my bladder needed and I pissed the boat alright. It felt so great and my mood brightened exponentially. I let the waves splash up on me and began the difficult process of getting back into the kayak and leaning against Emmett. He sighed when his legs got to stretch forward and it felt really weird to be in his arms.

"You smell like piss," he teased.

"You feel like a lumpy mattress," I teased back.

He finally pulled off his shirt and held it over our heads for a bit of shade as we continued to rock and move further out into the massive ocean. I had never thought too much about death, past defending my life in front of gasping angels. I wondered if this was really the end what I would regret…aside from my end being with Emmett….crap, I have to like him now, I forgot.

If I could leave one last message to my children what would it be? I would tell Trooper to not fall in love with falling in love, but to find the perfect girl who loves him with all her heart. I would tell Budge it is okay to live life on his terms, it would be the only way he could find happiness. I would tell Dreamer how lucky she was to find so many things in the world to gain her attention and to never stop looking at them all. I shouldn't have to worry about Edward, ah, because she would always look after her daddy.

But in reality Edward, ah, was the one I worried about the most. He was a shape that needed a connection, not two circles simply touching, but intertwined and never ending. His happiness was never about toys or titles; it was having someone to share his life with. I couldn't leave him, I just couldn't.

Emmett could feel me crying against his chest and spoke softly in my ear, "We're going to make it, Belly, I promise."

I had put my life into Emmett's hands once before and he came through for me, and Trooper. I had to trust in him once again and know he would get us out of the trouble we were in. It was what Emmett did, and his body was designed for big things like saving people at sea.

"Emmett," I said softly and turned my head to look up at him.

"Yeah, Belly?"

"You're one of my best friends, too."


	14. Chapter 14

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 14

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 14

I was so hungry and so thirsty and we had only been adrift for a few hours. If we happened to land on a deserted Island I had no intentions of sleeping with Emmett to repopulate our world. I was going to cook him over an open fire and gorge myself.

We began playing stupid games, like what was the first thing we would eat when we got back to the hotel. I chose a hamburger and Emmett chose ribs. I wished I had my shirt back on and he would stop looking at my ribs.

I asked if he had to choose between a shake and ribs, or Rose, which he would choose. He hesitated and then answered, "Rose." I think he was afraid we would actually survive and I would tell her.

"What about you?" he asked.

"Shake and ribs, I don't miss Rose that much," I said and continued to stare at the open water.

Emmett heard the sound first, because of all the Rambo movies he watched. His head shot up and he began waving the stick with my shirt attached. It was then I heard the distinct sound of a helicopter and prayed it was Edward, ah, flying to save me. Well, riding to save me, I hope someone else is actually flying the copter.

I watched as it circled above us several times and finally lowered a basket down to the water. It was a metal cage that looked too uncomfortable for someone to sit in and wondered if maybe the resort just wanted their kayak back and we would be left for dead.

"Belly, we're going to have to get in the water and swim for the cage. They'll help you into the helicopter and I'll wait for them to lower it again."

"Why can't they land in the water?" I asked and began rethinking my whole deserted island scenario.

"This is much safer, let's jump out," he said and I gripped the sides tightly.

"We can't just leave the kayak floating out here," I protested.

I was working on a list of reasons to stay in the boat when Emmett grabbed my hands and lunged sideways dumping me right into the cool water. I followed him to the edge of the cage and refused to get inside.

"I'll throw you in," he said like he was my father and I had to listen to him. I shook my head and he glanced behind me and said, "Is that a shark fin?"

I got in.

I held onto the metal and closed my eyes as I screamed the entire way up. A pair of strong arms pulled me into the safety of the chopper, but I glanced down at how far I had come up and screamed again. I wasn't sure if it could lift Emmett and we were going to fall a long way if his massive body pulled us down.

When Emmett got inside one of the rescuers said, "There are some pretty frantic people looking for you. Good thing the kayak was neon yellow or we wouldn't have seen you." I blushed and almost apologized for peeing on the boat but then I remembered the kayaks were already yellow.

We were both handed a bottle of water and I drank it quickly. I wished they would have thought ahead and brought a hamburger too, but they can't be expected to know everything. We didn't land at the hotel but at the search and rescue station. I saw Edward, ah, the moment I stepped out of the helicopter. I ran to him and felt my legs give out when his arms were securely around me.

I cried like a woman who had been lost at sea with Emmett…damn it, I keep forgetting. I cried like a woman who thought she would never see her soul mate again. I was sunburned, smelled like piss, starving, and as _no _maintenance as a girl could get, but Edward, ah, kissed me like I was manna.

We were all escorted into the station and asked to tell what happened. I was going to say, "The pee on the boat broke our flag so we had to snuggle with the ore." But Emmett said it all a lot better, and even made it seem like it was the resorts fault for giving us a defective ore. I think it was his police training.

When we were finally allowed to leave Edward, ah, held me tightly in his arms and kept kissing my head. "What do you need, love?" he asked.

I refrained from saying, "A diaper change," and went with, "A bath," instead.

He got me right into a hot bath and ordered room service before sitting on the floor next to the tub and feeding me M&M's from the mini fridge. I soaked it all up, pretending like I had been swimming in the ocean instead of simply floating on it. I used my pitiful, almost died, voice and couldn't do something as easy as soaping my washcloth.

Edward, ah, was more than happy to fulfill any desire I had. He finally took a really deep breath and said, "Bella, I was terrified."

"Imagine how we felt, our ore broke," I said to show him steady rowing was nothing compared to what happened to me.

"I was terrified I lost you," he clarified. Oh.

"I didn't mean to get lost, but I was glad I got lost with Emmett," I said to shock him. He actually reached out and felt my head as if there was a certain feel when someone goes insane. "He knew what to do and how to keep me calm. If I had been lost with you we would have tipped over the kayak trying to have boat sex.

He nodded and gave me a slight smile before letting his hand dip into the water to take hold of mine. "You make my life worth living; I realized how unhappy I would be without you."

"Edward, ah, you would be fine without me. We would miss each other terribly, but you have the kids and the club, and your parents. I worry about you if something happens to me."

"I know I would be fine, but every time Trooper excelled at something I would wish you were there, and every time I had no idea what Budge was talking about I would want you there to explain it. I can live without you Bella, I just don't want to."

"Dreamer would be in heaven without me around to steal your time from her," I giggled.

His face looked a bit surprised and he said, "Dreamer learned how to love from you. She mimics everything you do and the man who wins her heart will be as lucky as I was."

I had never thought about my daughter that way and was so grateful my guy was able to explain it to me. I had always considered Dreamer a daddy's girl, but she had more of me than I realized.

A knock sounded and I was so excited for my food I jumped up and threw on a hotel robe and put my hair up in a towel. I ran and jumped onto the bed and Edward, ah, took the lid off the tray of food to let me see the most delicious hamburger I had ever laid eyes on.

I took a huge bite and moaned as my eyes rolled back. Edward, ah, watched with a big grin on his face so I held out the burger and said, "Wan shum," with a full mouth.

He leaned over for a bite and I quickly pulled it back. God, I was only kidding. I had been lost at sea and he wanted to eat all my food. I frowned at him and quickly took another bite, making him laugh.

"So fill me in on the details, what happened in the kayak?" he asked.

"Um…the ore broke and we drifted away," I said.

"And…" he pressed.

"And Emmett had to stretch his legs," I added and took another bite.

"How did he stretch them?" he asked.

I wasn't sure what Edward's, ah, reaction would be to letting Emmett hold me in his arms for a few hours, so I wanted to make it as generic as possible.

"I scooted back and he put them straight."

"Did you have any drinking water?" he asked.

It reminded me I had food, but where was my drink? I looked around and Edward, ah, got me a coke from the mini bar. I took a long sip and he went right back to giving me the third degree.

"So tell me what you talked about," he said and lay across the bed and leaned on his elbow to listen.

"Okay, he wanted me. He said I was down to earth and fun but Rose lied about me," I said to stop his questions.

"I think Rose was worried more about you than Emmett," he chuckled.

"Of course, he's…." I stopped and stuffed my mouth with my hamburger to stop the natural reflex to burn Emmett.

"He's what?" Edward, ah, asked.

"I think we should celebrate our near death by a night on the town," I suggested, "Lots of food and lots of drink."

"I agree," he said and grabbed his phone to call Jasper. We made plans to go dancing and check out a club the guys wanted to see before we had to leave the island. I felt it was a safe decision, since I was going nowhere near the ocean again.

My skin was beet red and Alice had to apply thick make up to my burnt nose so I wouldn't be a beacon all night. But nothing could dampen my, thrilled to be alive, mood. The club was packed and the music was loud. I wished I could hear Edward, ah, sing instead of the loud techno music.

I was practically glued to Edward, ah, so it really shocked me when Kate tapped on his shoulder and asked him to dance. I was ready to tighten my hold on him when he said, "No, I don't think so."

"Come on, Eddie, for old time sake," she begged.

"I'm not Eddie and you were a really old time, so excuse me." He took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. I was proud of him for not worrying about being polite and saying how he felt. It was a big step and to be honest it got me a bit hot.

"You were rude," I said with a smile.

"Yes, I was," he said and I had visions of spanking him. I wonder if the flat end of the ore washed up on shore?

At that moment someone tapped on my shoulder, which was really quite painful. I looked behind me to see Jasper standing there. "Do you mind, Edward?" he said.

He reluctantly handed me over to the southern officer and I felt like I needed a chaperone. I was dancing with my ex boss and it was really weird. He stood with his straight back and for one quick moment, a millisecond actually, I envisioned kneeing him in the south to make him bend.

"I wanted to tell you how happy I am you're okay," he said without an accent.

"Thanks, did you dance with Emmett, too?" I asked.

He chuckled and shook his head. "I need to talk to you about something and Edward is going to kill me when he finds out, but I have to say something." Oh God, he wanted me before wanting Alice and here I shoved her down his family's throat.

"You're lucky you got her, I never would have done you on a table, I'm just not that crazy I guess." I said to let him down easy.

We both stared at each other not knowing what to say when he finally tightened his jaw and said, "I used to only like you because Edward loved you. But over the years I have to admit I think you are a pretty special woman and I've grown to care for you."

"Thanks, I think," I said softly.

Here I thought Jasper loved me and Emmett was the thorn in my side, turns out Emmett loved me and Jasper tolerated me. Man, Hawaii is one mixed up state.

"May Ah give you a kiss," he asked and I noticed his accent returning.

"Not with any tongue," I said because I knew how prone southern men were to taking over.

He laughed and said, "Only on yur cheek, darlin."

"Oh sure," I said and turned my cheek to him.

I just couldn't imagine Jasper being spontaneous enough to have sex on a kitchen table. I bet her wrote her a thank you note afterward and addressed it to Miss Alice Brandon… and then an apology letter to Delta airlines.

Actually…Jasper was pretty dang snooty to me, constantly making snide comments and cutting me down. Oh my God, I hate Jasper, the club sharing, southern git.

"Thank ya kindly fur the dance," he said and tried to kiss my hand.

Yeah, right, Jokesper, I thought as I pulled my hand away. The only way he was kissing my hand was if it went up his ass and out his mouth. "Grant was a better general," I said with a smirk and walked off the dance floor.


	15. Chapter 15

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 15

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 15

It was finally time to leave paradise and head home where we wouldn't have near death experiences or major friendship epiphanies. I missed my babies, and wanted to miss the Denalis, so I packed quickly by throwing everything into my cases without folding anything.

I put on my jeans and sweatshirt, anxious to return to the cold winter of Washington. Alice and Rose showed up in little dresses. "You're going to freeze when we get home, "I pointed out and both women glared at me. It wasn't my fault they didn't know how to dress appropriately.

We boarded the plane and this time Alice entered the row before me, putting me next to Jackassper. I let him go past me, but now I was stuck between him and Edward, ah. I walked around to the other side and stepped over Emmett and said to Rose, "Scoot down one."

"You're going to sit by Emmett?" she asked in shock.

"Why wouldn't I sit by Emmett, he's one of my best friends, God Rose, possessive much?"

The flight home was much faster and I remained sober the entire time. The lights were out and the entire flight fell asleep. I woke up when the pilot announced our preparation for landing. I was lying against Emmett's arm and his head was resting on top of mine. I looked up at him and smiled, he was like a big brother to me and I was so happy he lived right next door.

Edward, ah, waited for me to exit the plane and we rushed to the baggage claim, anxious to get home to our babies. We got there before noon and I ran to the house and yelled for my kids. Trooper ran into the room and gave us both a big hug. I was so happy my adult acting son could be so sweet and need his parents once in awhile.

A loud ear piercing scream came from upstairs and Dreamer came running full speed right at Edward. He lifted her into his arms and covered her face with kisses. "You grew while I was gone," he said with wet eyes.

"I missed you, and got a crown, and there was a princess movie, the moon saw you too, Daddy."

"I missed you so much," he laughed.

"Where's Budge?" I asked.

"Grandpa tied him to a tree," Dreamer said and I looked at Trooper for an explanation.

He nodded and said, "Yeah, he tied him to a tree."

"Where?" I asked and ran to the back deck to save my baby. My dad sat high in a tree using a big saw and cutting some limbs as Budge stood with a huge smile strapped to a tree trunk closer to the house.

"Dad," I screamed. "I told you he can Budge whenever he wants."

"The kid never listens; do you know how many times I almost dropped a limb on him? I'm keeping him alive," my father tried to explain.

I untied my baby and glared at my father. "You just have to give him a spoon and set him in some dirt with the hose. He'll dig for hours. Don't you know anything about kids, dad?"

"Look what I found," Budge said and ran into the forest and right under the tree my father was working on, just being missed by a falling limb.

"Damn it boy," my father yelled.

Budge picked up a small garden snake that was obviously dead and smiled with pride. Maybe I should have kept the frog and he wouldn't have minded if it was smashed. I waved for him to come back to the house so my dad wouldn't have a coronary and I could have all my kids in one spot.

"Were you all good?" I asked.

"Grandma said, oh my hell, to Budge," Dreamer tattled.

"They were very good, considering," Trooper said and I wasn't sure what 'considering' meant, so I went with the first part of his declaration.

My mother showed up from the grocery store and cried when we packed up the kids and headed home. I think she was crying from relief, but she pretended to be sad to see them go.

Dreamer kept taking off her seatbelt and hugging Edward's, ah, neck as Budge talked nonstop the entire way home. We dumped the suitcases in the wash room and I put in a load of wash. Edward, ah, gave the kids their gifts and opened a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

I looked up to see Trooper watching me sort the clothes. "I missed you, son," I said and walked over to give him a hug.

"I'm glad your home, mom. It wasn't the same without you," he said and I noticed how his eyes filled with tears.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I just realized how much I love you and dad." How freaking amazing was that? My teenage son not only realized he loved his parents, but told me about it.

"Did you see pretty Emma while staying at Grandma's?" I asked.

"No, she has a boyfriend now anyway," he said with a hint of sadness.

"Girls mature faster than boys because their genitals are on the inside and cook faster. But someday pretty Emma is going to look at you and see a young man, not a boy. You won't be able to fight her off," I told him and he smiled.

"I hope I can find a girl just like you, mom," he said and I worried about the angel who was waiting for him. She had fallen from heaven and waiting for my perfect lemniscates son to come save her. He deserved her, not someone like me.

Edward, ah, came up behind Trooper and put his arm around his shoulder. "You are such a bright boy, and you'll find the girl of your dreams, just like I did."

I stared in my husband's eyes and shook my head, "I'm the lucky one. I never dreamed someone real existed for me."

"I love you," Edward, ah, said and I leaned in to kiss him, sandwiching Trooper between us. I love my son, but right now he was blocking my path to some pretty wonderful things.

He pushed us both away and yelled, "Jeeze, get a room." He shuddered and ran off to his room.

"Our brilliant son wants us to go to our room," Edward, ah, smiled. There must be something in the Washington water that made us feel like we hadn't been alone for weeks. Edward, ah, forgot all about calling Jane for a report on the club and I suddenly didn't care if I had clean panties for tomorrow.

He took my hand and pulled me out of the laundry room. I thought we were headed to our bedroom, but he grabbed and kitchen chair and pulled it into his office.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I've been giving this a lot of thought," he said and put the kitchen chair against the wall and then lowered the office chair so the back rested on the kitchen chair. He pushed against it several times to see if it was steady and then walked over to lock the office door. He then stuck a small block of wood under the door to wedge it tight.

Next, he took the phone off the receiver before taking the pillows off the small sofa and placing them on both sides of the chair. "I think I'm ready," he said with a huge grin.

"You are such a brave man," I teased and grabbed him by the jeans and quickly disposed of them.

He lay on the chair and held my hips until I was right where he wanted me. When you face your own mortality things like chair sex are a snap. Once you pee on a kayak a little lovin on a chair is much more doable. And when you call your current wife the name of your first wife it motivates you to give her all you've got.

We mastered that chair as if it was a bench, we moved backward, forward, and even a little sideways. Edward, ah, grabbed a pillow from the floor and screamed into it. I heard the word Mahalo as his hips spoke Hawaiian, too. I loved how my guy was multilingual.

When we finally got our breathing back to normal my chair king gave me a huge smile of pride. "We did it," he said.

"We sure did," I said and kissed him passionately.

"It feels anticlimactic, shouldn't there be someone we can tell?" he laughed.

"I'll start a blog, baby," I said and kissed him again.

I wouldn't mind letting the world know we just pulled off chair sex, Carlisle couldn't and he even beat Microsoft several times. I would leave out the more private details…like our kids were locked out of the office crying for food as we perfected the dynamics of tab A into slot B. Well, they weren't actually crying, or wanting food, or even looking for us, but it sounded sexier than two old people with kids who didn't give a shit, had sex in a chair.

We all got back to the mundane events of life in cold Washington and didn't see each other again until Trooper's thirteenth birthday. Jackoffsper wanted to come see the books for himself, not believing my help with open mic night had such a big effect. I didn't care how hard he begged, I was not coming to his club…or Edward's, ah, other club….whoever the hells club it was.

I made Trooper and bikini cake, because he was a teen and should recognize boobs when he sees them. Girls his age would begin developing any day now and I didn't want him confused. I was a bit worried about the weirdness going on between him and pretty Emma, but I was too excited to see Emmett to care.

They walked through the back door and I ran toward them. Rose held out her arms but I rushed right past her and gave Emmett a tight hug. "Come in, do you want a beer?" I asked.

"Sure, thanks Belly," he said. Emmett had such great manners.

Budge motioned for Patrick to follow him and the boy began laughing before anyone showed him anything or spoke to him. Pretty Emma gave Trooper and little nod and went into the great room to talk to Dreamer…or at Dreamer.

It was almost half an hour later when Alice and her freak showed up…oh and Jasmine too. "You're late," I yelled to them as my mother took Alice's coat to hang up.

"It was a long drive," Jerksper said as if he didn't know he could have left earlier. They went into Edward's, ah, office to look at the books and I served appetizers.

"What are those?" Prissy Jasmine asked.

"Marshmallows with chocolate chips stuck to them," I explained because she was stupid like her father. She wrinkled up her nose but Emmett reached out and took three, because he knew how to behave in other people's homes.

We ate dinner and everyone sat around the fireplace as Trooper opened his gifts. I got his cake ready by placing a one and a three on each boob, although I would have to point out only Nastyalie would be able to balance candles like that in real life.

I carried the cake in to the room with both tits aflame and Trooper turned red before blowing out the candles.

"I want a three," Emmett laughed loudly.

"I want the belly button," Budge yelled and I glanced at prissy Jasmine and could picture her lying across a table. I gave Jasper a slice of the crotch area of the cake, but I removed most of the icing so it would be dry, _eat that freak_.

The kids all began playing except for Trooper and pretty Emma who sat awkwardly next to each other. Rose and Alice helped me with the clean up and Rose said, "I remember that difficult age when you begin to notice boys and can't speak to them anymore."

Huh, I never remembered an age like that. I met Jake at the beach by saying, "Hey, you're cute, come here." No wonder it didn't work out, I never went through the difficult age. Jessica didn't either, she met my Jake at the beach and said, "Hey, you're cute, come here." Wow, I came so close to being a whore.

I gave both Alice and Rose a tight hug before starting the dishwasher.

Alice was standing with her arms folded and finally said what was on her tiny mind. "You're different since Hawaii, what happened on the kayak?"

I laughed, because it was impossible to describe. I saw things differently after drifting for my life. I'd like to think I saw things more clearly. Emmett was my friend and Jasper was the bane of my existence. My guy would miss me, but he could be just fine without me. I loved my children, but they had their own paths to travel…or wander in Dreamers case.

I was halfway through my life…if thirty six could be considered middle aged, and I was good with every single aspect of it. There was nothing I would change or tweak. I survived… and pulled off chair sex. Life was just one big ocean where we all paddle against the current. Everyone should have the opportunity to drift and have their eyes opened.


	16. Chapter 16

Name: Drift

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 16

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters...a few in this story are mine.**

* * *

Chapter: 16

I knew this day was coming from the moment Rose and I moved in together. We were destined to be related and our children were making our dream come true. I had on my floor length orange dress, thankfully the kids picked fall to marry.

Rose looked stunning in her cranberry dress and blonde hair. She kept touching her eyes with her hankie and I just wiped my tears on my sleeve. I walked into the small church and sat next to my parents on the front row. My father was grey haired and retired now, but still so handsome.

I took my mom's hand and she smiled, "Are you okay?" she asked me.

"I'm great, this is a wonderful day," I said and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

The music began and we all stood to see Budge and Jasmine enter the room arm in arm. I could tell she was still upset over Budge's actions earlier. He had grown to be taller than Trooper and Edward. When they were lining up for the wedding to begin Jasmine walked over to stand in front of Budge. He glanced at her chest and pulled her dress out to look at something.

Jasmine screamed and quickly placed her hand over the neckline of the dress. "You pervert," she yelled.

"Budge," I called out to him, "Did you look down Jasmine's dress?"

"No, I looked at her breasts to see if they got bigger."

Yeah, the style of dress didn't really give you the answer without looking, I saw his point.

Budge was graduating from college in December. Sure, it took him over six years, but he managed to do what I couldn't. He worked for the forest service during the summers and they finally stopped calling me when he didn't return to the base camp at night. They learned he would show up eventually, usually without his boots.

Trooper had his masters in International Relations, nope not a clue what that means, but he works for a charity that raises money to build schools in impoverished countries. He wants to save the world, and he's just the man to do it.

When beautiful Emma walked down the aisle she stared at Trooper the entire time. His one year age difference didn't mean so much anymore, now they were both successful adults. She does something, not sure what, but she's successful at it, I mean of course, she's Emmett's daughter after all.

The wedding march began to play and Dreamer stepped into view on Edward's, ah, arm. I had cut the cord at her birth, but she was still firmly attached to Edward, ah. Her dress was long and flowed around her like a cloud. Her short veil softened the looked of excitement when she looked down the aisle at Patrick, but also hid the looked of pain when she glanced at her daddy.

Her waiting groom smiled and laughed, displaying his deep dimples and bouncing his legs back and forth as Dreamer made her way down the aisle. I saw Trooper steal a glance at beautiful Emma and it made me smile. I always thought it would be them getting married.

Patrick and Dreamer didn't show any interest in each other until Patrick joined the Army, and way after Patrick screwed Jasmine on the picnic table at the beach. Life never works out the way you plan. Budge was our problem child, and by that I mean he was caught sneaking out with Nastyalie many times.

I kept his shots up to date and Edward, ah, kept his pockets stuffed with condoms, but I didn't worry about him marrying her, Budge would most likely never marry, and if he did, he would most likely never make it home each night.

Dreamer glanced around the room several times and smiled as she saw people she recognized. I was proud of her for not wandering off once on her way down the aisle. When they got to the end Edward, ah, raised her veil and said, "You'll always be my little girl, nothing can change that," and he kissed her softly before lowering her veil.

She took a step toward Patrick and then spun around and grabbed Edward, ah, again, hugging him with all her strength. He chuckled and took her hand and placed it in Patrick's. I'm not sure Dreamer will be able to live all over the world without constant visits from Edward, ah.

My perfect husband came over to stand by me and I whispered, "Do you have any chocolate?"

He pulled out a small square from his pocket and handed it to me. I tossed it in my mouth and moaned loudly, just as the music ended, so all heads turned to look at me as if I was having pew sex or something.

The blah, blah, blah began and I kept playing with the layers of my orange dress so Edward, ah, took hold of my hand. I looked up to see Dreamer beginning her, about to bolt, swaying so I quietly whispered, "Hey, pssst."

The minister looked at me and I rolled my hand, telling him to hurry up. He began talking faster and I kept my hand rolling until he jumped to the important part. Then I dropped it and began to listen. They exchanged vows and Patrick laughed loudly when he raised Dreamer's veil. He dipped her back and kissed her as if she was on a table, my poor baby.

We all cheered and when they walked back down the aisle Dreamer reached for Edward, ah, and he had to pull his arm out of her grasp as Patrick pulled her down the aisle. Trooper and beautiful Emma followed and smiled shyly at each other. Budge and Jasmine brought up the rear; literally, he placed his hand on her ass the entire way.

We posed for pictures, a few with me and a million with Edward, ah, and then headed to the Driftwood for the party. The soft muted colors were now rich vibrant blues and purples. The walls were painted into wild swirls and you felt like you were churning in a raging sea. The kids these days loved it; I kept ducking from the waves that looked like they were headed right for me.

The crowd cheered loudly when Edward, ah, took the stage to sing a song just for Dreamer. He had written it when she got her first boyfriend and he felt the sting of her attention going to another boy. He sang it at her sixteenth birthday and she made him swear he would never sing it again until her wedding. She stood next to him with her hand on his arm as he played the guitar and looked into her eyes.

Trooper came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You'll be a grandma soon," he whispered.

Yeah, Dreamer was knocked up…a tradition for McCarty brides.

"And you'll be in Africa, so who's gonna raise the baby?" I laughed. I wasn't too worried; he usually carried a cell phone.

"Dads holding up pretty well," he said as we continued to watch him sing.

"He exercises," I told him, so yeah, Edward, ah, still looked pretty dang good.

"Budge is gone, do you want me to go pull him out of the back seat of someone's car?" he chuckled.

I glanced around the club and noticed his rented shoes sitting on a table. "No, just make sure we get the shoes so we can return them."

When the song ended Dreamer collapsed into Edward's, ah, arms and cried as if she was the sacrificial virgin and would be thrown into a volcano. There was no volcano, and she surely wasn't a virgin. She calmed down when the dancing began and Emmett was busting a move that kept everyone laughing. I was glad he was family now.

I danced with Trooper, and with Patrick, and with my father, and with Carlisle, and with Emmett, not with Jizzsper, and finally with my wonderful husband. He held me tightly in his arms and kissed my neck several times. It reminded me of the first time we danced together so many years ago.

"Do you remember writing on my arm?" I asked him.

"Of course, I was so certain from that first moment, and I knew my life was with you," he said to make me swoon.

"Our house is empty now," I sighed.

"For now, it will fill with grandkids, most likely looking for their daddy, Budge," he laughed and I smacked his perfect butt.

The couple began the ceremonial cutting of the cake and when Patrick took a huge piece in his hand Edward, ah, called out to him softly. One look at Edward's, ah, face made Patrick set the piece back down and hand a tiny bite to Dreamer. She could always depend on her daddy.

Someone tapped my shoulder and I turned to see Eric, with dyed blond hair, and a younger man on his arm. I screamed with joy…that it wasn't James, and that Eric actually came.

"This is my husband, Garrett," he said.

My eyes grew wide and I said, "You're a girl now?"

"No, I'm his husband, too," Eric tried to explain. "We got legally married since Washington allows it now."

I cupped my hand and whispered, "Have you had chair sex?" Now that I was an expert I was willing to share my expertise.

"All the time," he laughed and I was so sad I didn't get to share my expertise.

"I miss you, Eric," I said and felt my eyes tear up. I was perfectly fine for my only daughter walking down the aisle, but my gay friend showing up at the reception sent me into tears.

"I wanted to see you one more time before Garrett and I move to Georgia," he said.

I gasped loudly. Oh my God, he was moving to the south where simple squiggles were freaks, let alone gay squiggles. "Did you see The Green Mile, they kill innocent people down there," I said and tried to picture Eric with a leather gag in his mouth, oh…yeah…he would be fine.

"I've been working there this whole year, I love the South," he said and I glared over at Jasturd. It wasn't northern people his family hated, it was me. I wish he would have jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge instead of that poor Billy Joel McAllister.

Eric followed my glare and asked, "Is that Jasper Whitlock?"

"Yes, and his daughter had sex on a table with my new son-in-law," I blurted out.

Both men spoke at the same time and said, "Gross," really softly.

A tall woman walked up to me and said, "Hi Bella."

I had no idea who she was, or the thin man next to her until Jane said, "Bella, do you remember my mother, Susan?"

"Yes, is she here?" I asked and wished the pushy woman would move so I could talk to Jane.

"It's me," the woman said and I looked back at her.

I couldn't see Susan in her face anywhere so I finally pointed at Edward, ah, and said, "Look over there."

Her eyes moved to look at him and little flames of lust danced in her pupils. "Sues, it's you," I gasped and pulled her to my chest. She smiled widely and made a little turn so I could see her new trim body. My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms in anger. "Oh I see," I said because her obvious attempt to steal Edward, ah, was so apparent.

"I brought my husband," she said nervously to calm me down.

"Hi Ned," I said and the man looked behind him for anyone named Ned.

"I suppose you want to kiss him again," I said and she shook her head back and forth but she wasn't fooling me. Her lips were all glossed up and she had a mint in her mouth. I glanced at Eric and he did, too. "Eric!" I yelled and he laughed, because he spoke squiggle and knew what I meant.

I marched over and pulled Edward, ah, to receive his reward for being father of the bride. "Hi, Susan," he said and leaned over to kiss her cheek. She grabbed his face with both hands and lay one on him that I'm sure Ned never got. Edward, ah, pulled away as he gasped for a breath and then had to spit her mint out of his mouth.

"Excuse me," he said and quickly walked away, I think he was crying, but I couldn't tell for sure.

The party went on most of the night and when the bride and groom left Edward, ah, had to buckle Dreamer's seatbelt so she wouldn't jump from the car as they pulled away. I stood with my arm around Trooper and waved at my little girl who was now a married woman.

The crowd began to filter back into the club and I saw Edward, ah, talking with Eric in the parking lot. I watched as Eric reached into his pocket and pulled out something to hand to Edward, ah. His face paled and he turned to lock eyes with me as he held up the squiggle pen.

Oh shit, I spun around and ran back into the club as I heard Edward, gah, scream, "Bella Marie Cullen."

Man, I am going to have to do A LOT to get that pen back.

THE END.


End file.
